View Full Version : Joke
Osama comes down the stairs every morning and looks into the mirror.
"Mirror mirror on the wall who is the biggest ba5tard c*&nt of them all?"
Everyday same answer "you are oh masterful one" and he sits down for
breakfast with a big happy smile.
One day his wife notices he is not a happy bunny at breakfast and has a
murderous look on his face.
"What is the matter dearest ?" she says.
"Who is this Roy Keane fellow ??" he replies.
Not Bad Scaley, here's another:-
Presenter: We have Jim on the line who wants to discuss the Faroe Islands /
Scotland game.
Jim: Thanks... er yeah. Just want to say it's an absolute disgrace. I mean,
we're
playing probably the weakest side in world football and we can't do better
than a
draw.
Presenter: It was a poor result.
Jim: Poor result! Poor result! It's absolutely scandalous. The manager has
lost the
plot completely, he's got to go. I know we've never set the world alight
over the
years on the international stage but I can't remember things being this bad.
It's
the end for us. The absolute end. I can't see us ever recovering from a
setback
like this. We're a complete laughing stock.
Presenter: Look Jim. I know it seems bad now but there is still a long way
to go. I
can't see you qualifying for Euro 2004 but hopefully things will improve.
Jim: I never expected for a moment we would qualify. I don't mind that so
much.
We're not good enough. But listen, to not qualify is one thing, but to fail
to beat
a team like Scotland is a different matter. It's a bitter blow for everyone
here on
the Islands.
(Uproar in the studio)
Bovis,
Classic /forum/images/icons/smile.gif
Two dyslexic bank robbers plan to rob their local branch. They run in and start shouting.....................Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a F**k up
Steinburg
12-09-2002, 15:58
That is truely pants.....
Jimmy6bellies
12-09-2002, 16:06
Jeeez Garth, I thought my jokes were bad!!/forum/images/icons/smile.gif
Quality, pure qulaity - no joke taste you lot - LOL
Why has Michael Barrymore not got any ashtrays?
Because he like to put his fags out in the pool
Garth, here's one just for you...
two peanuts walking down a street, one of them was assaulted.......
i'll get me coat......... /forum/images/icons/laugh.gif
i appologise for the above /forum/images/icons/smile.gif
this ones better...
Ross had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 6500 hectares in the Outback as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. The guy looks him up and down and slowly drawls:
"Name's Bruce ...Your neighbour from forty miles away.... Having a Xmas party Friday ...Thought you might like to come. About 5..."
"Great," says Ross, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Bruce turns to leave, he stops, pauses, says "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" said Ross "... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Bruce stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Ross says, "Well, I get along with most people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Bruce turns back from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Ross. "I've been all alone here for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Bruce stops in the door again, ponders a while, and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
Jimmy6bellies
12-09-2002, 16:33
LOL.../forum/images/icons/laugh.gif
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 2002 12:48:10 +0100
Modena, Italy
The Ferrari Team fired their entire Pit- Crew Yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage
of Liverpool Council's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed
youths from Merseyside.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car
wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment or tools, whereas
Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with all the mod con
tools.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management,
as
most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage
over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the crews
first
practice session; not only were the scousers able to change the tyres in
under 6 seconds but within 20 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged,and
had
sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Carling Black.....
/forum/images/icons/wink.gif
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit [censored] off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
When you have an "I hate my job" day try this
1. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.
2. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.
3. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone, so you will not be disturbed during your therapy
4. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
5. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
6. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"
7. Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Craig David....
I havn't heard anything from him in a while, I heard a rumour he's joined an archary team, apparently he's the bow selecta
Jimmy6bellies
12-09-2002, 16:57
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a
note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's
mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus
arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop"
button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the door step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts swearing and pummelling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you
doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my [censored]. It's the second time this
week he's forgotten his key!"
Tadpolepat
12-09-2002, 19:16
Garth, probably the same two dyslexic drug dealers who bought a whorehouse...
A scouser walks into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said " Hi, I'm looking for a job "
The man behind the counter paused, then replied " Your timing is amazing,
we've just got a request from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur /
bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big
black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours, meals will
also
be provided and you'll be required to escort the young lady on her overseas
holidays. The salary package is £ 200,000 a year "
The scouser said " Nah - Your b*ll****ting me ! "
The man behind the counter said " Well you started it
.....
A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells PIG!! The man immediately leans out his window and yells, BITCH!!
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
.............If only men would listen.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic> condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "Mother of Six."
His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that. But he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party given by his company, and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled to his wife from across the room, "Mother of Six, are you ready to go?"
Annoyed with his question, she yelled back, "In a minute, Father of Four!"
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve it for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won`t eat if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "what`s for supper?". "You`ll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they are eating.
"ok" says her dad, "here`s a hint, it`s what your mother somtimes calls me."
"we`re eating [censored]!!", she screams
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks
out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one
question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I
will do."
The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are
Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He's very upset. He
doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's
because it takes place in the future...."
Ouch...!
***********
Gareth Gates goes into a sweet shop to buy a Mars Bar!
He comes out with 3 packets of M&M's.
> A newly married couple returned to their house after being on
> honeymoon.
>
> 'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.
>
> 'Shhh!' said the bride. 'All the neighbours will know what we're
> about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll
> have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking,
> "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'
>
> So the following night, the husband asks, 'I don't suppose you
> left the washing machine door open did you?'
>
> 'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and
> went to sleep.
>
> When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself
> and she nudged her husband and said, 'I think I did leave the
> washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some
> washing?'
>
> 'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've
> done it by hand.'
>
> A lad comes home from school one day and his mum notices he's grinning from
> ear to ear.
> "What's the matter with you, you look like the cat that's got the cream?"
> "Well mum" says the lad, "today I made love with my English teacher in the
> stock room".
> The mother is furious and says "just wait till your father gets home!"
> When the dad gets home he too acts furious but when the mother leaves the
> room he starts grinning to, proud as punch that his son has got a shag so
> early on.
> "Son" he says, "today you did your old man proud - you've become a man,
> and
> as a treat I'm going to take you for a pint then we'll go and buy that
> mountain bike you've had your eye on".
> "That sounds great dad" says the lad "but can I have a skateboard instead
> !!
> my ar5e is killing me..."
>
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
> >
> > Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
> > the other. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
> > "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
> > acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My
> > grandfather lived to be 107 years old." Oh?" replied the man. " Did your
> > grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he
> > minded his own f***ing business"
> >
> > LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
> >
> > A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
> > you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
> > He replies,"None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."The
> > teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
> >
> > Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
> > sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
> > of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
> > sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
> > one is married?"
> >
> > The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
> > that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY
> > replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I
> > like your thinking."
> >
> >
> > LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS:
> >
> > Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
> > "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said
> > 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then
> > she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
> > "What's the f***ing difference!? " exclaimed the father. "That's what I
> > said"
> >
> > LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
> >
> > One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
> > of hands from those who could use the word " contagious " in the
> > sentence. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
> > sister has chickenpox and Daddy says that it's contagious." "Very good,
> > Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My dad
> > says that Aids is a very contagious disease." The teacher responded,
> > "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "
> > Well, yesterday, Dad & I were walking past the neighbours who was
> > painting his fence with a small paintbrush and Dad said it was going to
> > take the....."Contagious" !"
> > Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
> > in
> > > the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
> > >
> > > The American pressed his forearm And the beep stopped.
> > > The others looked at him questioningly.
> > >
> > > "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
> > arm."
> > > A few minutes later a phone rang.
> > >
> > > The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he
> > > explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
> > Paddy
> > > felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to
> > do
> > > something just as impressive.
> > >
> > > He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece
> > of
> > > toilet paper hanging from his ar5e. The others raised their eyebrows and
> > > Paddy says....
> > >
> > > "Would ye ****ing believe it, I'm getting a fax"
piscatorial2
19-09-2002, 22:24
Tom, Dick & Harry are on a weekend away without the Mrs and on there campsite is a club house.
They go in on their last night and there's a hypnotist doing is routine.
They start giving the guy some barracking and the hypnotist says "alright you mouthy @-nts, come on stage and i'll hypnotise you", so all three get up there giving it the large one.
After 2 minutes the hypnotist says "when I click my fingers, you will all go to sleep, click... ZZZZZZZ all three are soundo!
He then says "when you get home you will do the first thing the wife tells you", he clicks his fingers and they all wake up.
After giving the hypnotist further abuse they go back to their seats in the audience none the wiser.
The next day Tom gets home, his wife ain't there so he thinks "I know, I'll get in her good books and do the hoovering for her"
Whilst hoovering his wife comes in and in his eagerness to say hello he knocks a lamp over, "thats it, smash the house up" she says, with that he starts to smash up the whole house and throws all the furniture through the window. After there's nothing left to throw, he calmly walks outside and see's all the damage. "christ" he thinks what happened there.
His wife tells him to [censored] off and leave, so he walks down the road to his mate Dick. When he gets there, all he can see is smoke and fireman with Dick outside with his head in his hands.
"Christ what happened" he said," Don't know" said Dick, there I was with me feet up on the couch when the wife came home, in my eagerness to greet her i knocked the ashtray off the couch and she said "that's it, go and burn the house down".
"Bloody hell" said Tom, i've just smashed up my house because the wife told me to do it, there's something not right here they both said. Then the penny drops, "it must have been that bloody hypnotist" they both said. Jesus with got to tell Harry before he does something, so off they go.
When they arrive at Harry's there's police & ambulance's every where, with Harry being led out of the house in handcuffs with blood all over him.
"What happened Harry" they cried,
"I don't know" he said.
When i got home the Mrs was doing the washing up in the sink, so i crept up behind her and put my hand down her draws. With that she said "YOU CAN CUT THAT OUT"
sorry!
pursuit3
25-09-2002, 15:52
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
pursuit3
25-09-2002, 15:53
710 Cap
The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?," we asked.
She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said " I think you want an oil cap."
She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde.
Note: Read "710" upside down.
pursuit3
25-09-2002, 15:54
A husband and a wife love to golf together,but neither is playing as well as
they want to,so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his
first lesson.after the pro sees his swing,he says '' No ! No ! No ! You are
gripping the club way to hard ''. '' Well what should I do ? '' asks the
man. '' Hold the club gently,'' the pro replies '' just like you'd hold your
wife's breast.''. The man takes the advice,takes a swing and POW!!! He hits
the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.The next day the wife goes for
her lesson.After watching her swing,the pro says ''No! No! No! You are
gripping the club way to hard.''. '' What can I do ?'' the wife asks the
pro. ''Hold the club gently,just like you'd hold your husbands penis.'' he
replies.The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice,takes a swing and
THUMP!! The ball goes straight down the fairway,about 35 feet.''That was
great'' says the pro,'' now take the club out of your mouth and hold it like
you're supposed to.''.
pursuit3
25-09-2002, 15:55
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
pursuit3
25-09-2002, 15:55
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jim, "Well the problem with
you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's
really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an
experimental treatment."Jim asks sadly, "What is this treatment?""Well," the
doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the
trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."Jim thinks about it
silently then says, "Well the thought of going through
life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."A few weeks
after the operation Jim was given the green light to use his
improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and
took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.In the middle of
dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued
to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jim unzipped his
fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the
table, grabbed a roll and disappeared from view.His girl friend was stunned
at first but then said with a sly smile, "That
was incredible. Can you do it again?"Jim replied with his eyes watering,
"Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my butt."
pursuit3
25-09-2002, 15:56
Bank Loan
A blonde walks into a bank in Chicago and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is,why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies,"Where else in Chicago can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
To lighten your day...
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area.
Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian,"I'm
bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I
wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning
hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.
Time went on ( as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming
bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he
came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin
figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn.
Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he
was thinking of being a prawn, a flash of lightning struck the water next
to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into prawn. With tears of joy
in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them
all a ****tail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn ****tail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best
friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way, man,
you'll eat me.
You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."
.."I'm a prawn again Christian".......
Thats one of my best jokes John!
Try this one:
This guy owns a horse stud farm.One day a friend phones him up and says
'there's this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a white horse, so I've sent him round to see you.'
Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him,
'do you want a male horse or a female horse?'
'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf,'can I thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
'Nith eyth', say the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses v@gina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says
'Perhaps I should wefwaze that.Can I see her wun awound?'
Keeping it boom boom
Charlie
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, "dam"
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman.
The man says, "I've just come in my pants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"
I went to a seafood disco last week.... And pulled a muscle.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
pursuit3
26-09-2002, 14:32
Bank Loan
A blonde walks into a bank in Chicago and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is,why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies,"Where else in Chicago can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
pursuit3
26-09-2002, 14:33
Chinese Torture
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly", the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as look at my daughter you will receive the three most terrifying Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest."
Well, that's pretty crappy, he thought. If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about. He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2....Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read.......
"Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."
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