View Full Version : Jokes
rhornegold
06-09-2001, 08:24
Anyone got any good jokes...What is the Essex girls favourite wine?..Wayne, take me to Lakeside..... Oh well its a start.
Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a
real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table
with the
body covered with a white sheet.
Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it
is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
it's
necessary that you don't get disgusted." The Professor uncovered the
sheet,sunk his finger in the a**e of the dead body, withdrew it and
sucked it.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns,
stuck
their finger in the a**e of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing
it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:
"The
second important quality is observation. I stuck the middle finger in
and
sucked the index.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples
to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all
over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to
better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and
then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members
return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned
disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the
first disciple:
"Who is it?"
"It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, MOTHER F***ERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
this chinese man finds a duck and brings it home to
show the wife. he rings the doorbell, the wife answers. he says " say hello
to the pig ". she says " but it's a duck ". he says " .....i was talking to
the duck
".........he he .
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
> >
> > > A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
> > > >
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's
kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said. "Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get
it off the bulbar and throw it into the bush." About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig
in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no
problem.
> > >
> > > >
But I still can't go on."Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the
problem?"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
> > > >
> > >
> >
Smarts Cowboy Carper
1) Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to
the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage.........I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease
into bedﾃつ* and my wifeﾃつ*STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL
THIS?"...................... His mate looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the
driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes into the
closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, "How
about a blow job??".....and she's always ﾃつ*sound asleep. .................................................. ......................................
2) A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into
work
today, I'm sick."
"How sick are you?" asks his boss.
"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister.".................................................. .........................................
3) A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial
embarrassment,
they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the
man on the
lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,ﾃつ*
"I'mﾃつ* sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got
a better idea....let's pretend we're married."ﾃつ*
"Why not," giggles the woman. ﾃつ*
''Good", he replies. ﾃつ*"Get your own f******g blanket."
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
How Does Bob Marley Like His Doughnuts?
WID JAMMIN!
Bloke goes into the doctors surgery with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers.
"doctor, I've got a big problem" he says. "what is it?" the doctor replies. "Don't know" says the bloke "but its driving me nuts"
benzonar
06-09-2001, 15:54
Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets Judgment. Judgment tells Clinton that Hell is full but he'll be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He'll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.
Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being worked over with a blow torch. Clinton cringes, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"
Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. "I don't think so," Clinton insists
Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's bound hand and foot, naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.
"Very well" says Judgment, "Monica, you may go."
MikeLyddon053698
06-09-2001, 17:22
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the
celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right
wrist,
and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax
he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through
the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy
the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This picture is my lottery win"
said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after
lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million
quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new
camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks
like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
coming."
MikeLyddon053698
06-09-2001, 17:29
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo." "Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his p*n*s was still yellow. He asked an
embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his p*n*s was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pr*ick toad", said the good witch.
MikeLyddon053698
06-09-2001, 17:30
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the f*****g bed.."
MikeLyddon053698
06-09-2001, 17:33
Three mice were sat at a bar drinking tequila and
discussing how hard they were.
The first mouse picks up a shot of tequila, slams it
down in one and turns to the other two mice. 'I'm so
hard,' he says,' that I steal cheese from mousetraps
and when the trap comes down I grab it and benchpress
it 50 times.' And with that he picks up another shot,
slams it back in one, and looks at the other two mice.
'Right,' says the second. He picks up a shot, slams it
and says, 'I'm so hard that when I come across those
big white lumps of mouse poison I chop it up and sniff
it up my nose like it's pure Colombian!' And with
that, he picks up another shot, slams it and then
looks at the third mouse.
The third mouse calmly picks up a shot, slams it and
gets up and casually walks to the door.
'Hey,' shout the remaining two mice. 'Where the hell
do you think you're going?'
'I'm off to f**k the cat!'
MikeLyddon053698
06-09-2001, 17:34
Once upon a time,in a land far away, a beautiful,independent,self
assured princess,happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said,
'Elegant lady,i was once a handsome prince,until an evil witch cast a
spell on me!'
'One kiss from you,however,and i will turn back into the dapper young
prince that i am.And then my sweet,we can marry,set up housekeeping in
your castle with my mother,where you can prepare my meals,clean my
clothes,bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy in doing
so.'
That night,whilst enjoying a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs,seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce,she chuckled to herself and thought...
'I dont f******g think so!!'
MikeLyddon053698
06-09-2001, 17:36
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and
passionately in love.
For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled
over to Declan in tears. "We can't see each other anymore ..."she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed.
"He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the
lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone
who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to
drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place.
Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the Lobster
Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side,
inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters
all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose
from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor and
all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARD !!!!
One claw after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the
throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush
Finally, the crab spoke
.............."F**k, I'm p****d".
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, and comes over to him grinning sweetly and says" "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, whatever do you mean?"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." She then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horrible corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The huge man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, whatever do you mean."
The huge man says "you must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart,
it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around,bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist; "May I help you?"
Bob says: Here is your card and key back, You can keep the ﾃつ｣500 joining fee."
Receptionist: "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replied, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old. I get a hard-on once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day...No thanks."
Why can't you trust a woman??????????
How can trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Tony
Had a nice new curry the other day....it was a chicken Tarka.......a bit like chicken tikka, only otter!
<font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=orange>i</font color=orange><font color=purple>m</font color=purple><font color=red>0</font color=red><font color=green>n</font color=green>
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?......Nothing, she's been told twice already!
<font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=orange>i</font color=orange><font color=purple>m</font color=purple><font color=red>0</font color=red><font color=green>n</font color=green>
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which
reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwichﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ* ﾃつ｣1.50
Chicken Sandwichﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ｣2.50
Hand Jobﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ *ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ* ﾃつ｣10.00 ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃ ﾂ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ*ﾃつ* ---------------------------------
Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to
the Bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
ﾃつ*"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
ﾃつ*"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives
the
hand-jobs?"
ﾃつ*"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
ﾃつ*The man replies "Well wash your f*****g hands, I want a cheese
sandwich."
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.ﾃつ* After a
good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night
and went to sleep.ﾃつ* Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged ﾃつ*his
faithful friend awake.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that
there areﾃつ*millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the
time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can tell that God is all-powerful and that we
are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow".
"Is that all?", Holmes asked.
"Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?".
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you
********. ﾃつ*Someone has stolen the f*****g tent."
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, ﾃや弩e donﾃや冲 serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.ﾃや
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, ﾃや弩e donﾃや冲 serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.ﾃや
The bear, very angry now, says, ﾃや廬f you donﾃや冲 serve me a beer, Iﾃや冦 going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.ﾃや
The bartender says, ﾃや彜orry, we donﾃや冲 serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.ﾃや
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, ﾃや彜orry, we donﾃや冲 serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.ﾃや
The bear says, ﾃや廬ﾃや冦 NOT on drugs.ﾃや
.
.
.
.
.
The bartender says, ﾃや弸ou are now. That was a barbitchyouate.ﾃや
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange w*lly doc."
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My p*n*s - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete b*****d for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete b*tch, she nags non-stop and puts
me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn videos and eat Wotsits"
daytimedave
07-09-2001, 17:47
like it............ha......lol
did you hear about the bloke who drowned eating his musilie...?..........he was pulled down by a strong current.......
A cowboy walks up to an Indian, and asks, "May I speak to your dog?"
Indian replies" Dog can't talk"
Cowboy asks dog"How you doing?"
Dog says "Fine, thanks"
Indian is shocked, and Cowboy goes on" How does your owner treat you?"
Dog replies" He's a good owner, feeds me daily, gave me a nice dry doghouse, and a bath real often".
Cowboy says "That's great!"
Now he asks"Can I talk to your horse?"
Indian replies, "Horse can't talk".
Cowboy asks" How you doing?"
Horse says"Fine, thanks."
Indian is shocked again, and Cowboy goes on "How does your owner treat you?"
Horse replies "He treats me great. Never misses a meal, plenty of water, nice stall to stay in, and he brushes me daily."
Cowboy says, "That's great!"
Now he asks, "Can I talk to your sheep?"
Indian says, "Sheep lies!"
Redneck calls doc. to assist v. pregnant wife give birth.Upon his arrival the doctor hands a torch to the yokel to shed some light on the situation " Here it comes" says the doctor and out pops a nipper, "hang on" says the doctor ",I can see another on its way "then out pops the next," Just a minute "says the doctor," were not finished yet "as a third baby greets the world , soon enough another baby is born,"saaaay", says the redneck,"Ya dont suppose it's the light attracting them do ya?"
What do Vegitarian worms eat?.............................................. .........Linda McCartney!!!!!!!
Cheers
Alan<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by IanWelch on 17/09/01 08:55 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
Little Billy takes a trip to the coast with his parents for the day. When billy gets out the car he spots a young lad eating an Ice-cream. All excited billy goes Dad Dad I wanna ice-cream I wanna ice-cream, no you can't comes the reply from his father, dad if if you don't get me an ice-cream I'll tell mum about what you and my teacher were doing...So Dad gets Billy his ice cream.
Just as he is finishing his ice-cream Billy spies the same kid riding a Donkey....Dad Dad, I wanna a donkey ride I wanna Donkey ride shouts little Billy. Look son you've had an Ice-cream you aint having a Donkey ride.....Dad i'll tell mum about you and my teacher says Billy....So Dad gets Billy his donkey ride.
Billy is so pleased with his donkey ride that he goes up to his Dad and says....Dad Dad I wanna a Donkey I wanna a Donkey.....Look son you've had an Ice-cream, a donkey ride... you aint having a Donkey...Dad I'll tell mum I will, says Billy......So Billy gets his Donkey.
Billys Dad brings the Donkey over to little Billy and is quite astonished when little Billy goes.....Dad Dad I wanna call it W****r I wanna call it W****r.......Look son you've had an Ice-cream, a Donkey ride, a Donkey, you aint calling it W****r.....Right Dad, says little Billy, I'm gonna tell mum.....Ok Ok you can call it W****r says Dad.
At home they put the Donkey in the back garden and all go to bed. During the night little Billy wakes up to hear the sounds of Clip-Clop Clip-Clop so he gets up and looks out of his bedroom window to see W****r escaping out of the garden. In a panic Billy rushes into his Fathers bedroom and shouts.....Dad Dad W****rs off W****rs off to which his Dad replies ...Look son you've had an Ice-cream............................lol
Baz/images/forum//icons/smile.gif
The SAS, ARMY and OLD BILL are sent on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. The trainer tells them their first objective is to go into the woods and come back with a rabbit for dinner! First up are the SAS. They don their infrared goggles, drop to the deck and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly staright through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer! Next up are the ARMY. They finish their shants and cover themselves in camouflage cream and charge into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods echo with the sounds of machine-gun fire, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Then they emerge with the remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result, well done" says the trainer. Lastly the old bill go in, walking slowly, hands behind their backs. For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie sierra, oscar, lemur, one suspect headed straight for you, etc. Finally they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs! what the f**k are you doing? asks the trainer, take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit! like i bloody asked you! Next morning the trainer is awoken by the old bill holding the squirrel, black and blue, beat half to deaf! "are you taking the pi*s" asks the furious trainer. The old bills team leader glares at the squirrel, who quickly squeaks "all right, all right im a fu****g rabbit!"
<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by scorpio on 20/09/01 11:04 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
a boy asks his dad what the difference is between a p***y and a c**t?
his dad replies, "come with me" he takes his son to his mothers bedroom, where she`s sound asleep, wearing sweet fa. "son" he whispers "see that brown, soft, furry patch? thats is a p***y" can i touch it to see how furry it is? the boy asks his dad.. "No!!, it might wake the c**t up!"
Johnny_Carp
08-09-2001, 14:45
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend???............................wiped his a*se!
A few lads were having a few beers in the pub and got round to the subject of party pieces. After the usual topics of funny faces and voices, one chap says he can fart Nessum Dorma. None of the others believed him and dared him to prove it. With that he dropped his strides,bent over and s**t all over the bar. The others all disgusted demanded to know why he had done it. He replied "Even Pavarotti has to clear his throat"
Rocky
A cannibal chief and his son were off on a father and son hunting trip. As they walked quietly through the jungel they could hear in the distance the faint cascadeing of a waterfall. Thinking that there might be some game drinking from the river they headed off in the direction of the sound.
Upon nearing the river they could hear the sounds of someone singing. So keeping very quiet they crept closer and closer. Finaly climbing a slight rise and parting the lush fronds of a fern they looked down and there was a beautifull dusky young maiden, naked as the day she was born, stood in the waters edge washing her clothes. She eventualy finished the chore and proceeded to wash herself. After a while she laid herself down on a rock to dry in the sun. The sun glinting from the globlets of water adorning her naked brests. All the while the old chief and his son had been lain in the grass quietly watching. Eventualy the son ventured to speak. "Dad are we going to capture that woman, take her back to the village, and eat her?"........... "No" said the chief, "What we,ll do is capture her, take her back to the village......and eat your Mother!!"l
The Gnome.
CarpManic
08-09-2001, 20:56
One day a man was walking along a beach and sees a prostetute with no arms or legs and shes crying, so he walks up to her and asks what the matter is. she replies "ive never been hugged before" so he hugs her, walks off and she stops crying. The next day sees her again crying and asks what the matter is, she replies "ive never been kissed before" so he kisses her and walkes off. The next day he walks past again and sees shes crying, he walks up to her and asks what the matter is, she replies "ive never been f**ked before" so the man picks her up and throws her in the sea and shouts "now your f**ked".
CM
1066 and King Harold is inspecting his troops before the Battle of Hastings. He walks up to the pikemen, and asks a huge 6'6" brick outhouse of a bloke if he is good with his pike. "Sir, without boasting, I'm the best in the army" says the pikeman. "Prove it!" says Harold, so the soldier throws his pike at a tree and splits it clean in half! Turning to his sergeant Harold says "good man that, do well in the battle this afternoon". He then walks up to the swordsmen, and again selecting the largest man in the troop, asks if he is any good with his sword. "Sir, without boasting, I'm the best in the army" says the swordsman. "Prove it!" says Harold, so the swordsman slices the split tree clean through at the base. Turning to his sergeant Harold says "good man that, do well in the battle this afternoon". Harold then inspects the archers but, fearing he was favouring the big guys, selects a weedy looking fellow this time. "Tell me archer, are you any good with that bow?" says Harold. "No I'm not" says the scrawny bowman. Stunned by the reply, Harold suggests the archer demonstrates his prowess with the weapon by targeting a nearby barn door. Struggling even to pull the string back fully, arrow after arrow fails to hit the target. Disgusted with such a poor display Harold strides away and, turning to his sergeant, says " better watch that prick this afternoon, he'll have some f**kers eye out!"
A troop of Indians hadn't eaten for day's and decided to go to the witch doctor to see if he could tell them where to find food, so he did his little dance hummed a bit and them said...Go 2 miles west across the river north for 2 miles through a large hedge and you will find a bacon tree, so off they set and when they got there no signs of any bacon tree. They went up to the witch doctor again who realised his mistake and told them they should have gone 2 miles east, then across the river, 2 miles north then through the hedge to find the bacon tree. Again nothing was there so they again went to the witch doctor. He managed to get the location wrong a further 3 times before saying that he definitely had the location this time. 2 miles South, then 2 miles east, across the river through the field then through the hedge and there is the bacon tree. Once they got to the hedge they walked through to be greeted by hundreds of Cowboys, they ran all the way back to camp straight up to the witch doctor and said.........You stupid c**t that wasn't a bacon tree it was an ambush!!!!!
i met a bird in the pub tonight, and she asked me for a double entendre. so i gave her one...
a vicar, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. the barman said, "is this some kind of joke...?"
a dyslexic walks into a bra...
a seal walks into a club...
DanCleary
18-09-2001, 09:11
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses
that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young,
aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed
the door.
Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."
DanCleary
18-09-2001, 09:12
Annie was talking about her sex life with her friend, Joan. "My last
boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
Joan said, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
Annie relied, "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you
want to p**s off another one?'"
<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by scorpio on 20/09/01 11:08 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
DanCleary
18-09-2001, 09:25
Microsoft Announcement
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a
Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as Windaz Too
Thoosand, may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle. If
you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help
understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if
you have a copy of Windaz 2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a
bottle of Brown Ale. Also note:
The recycle bin is labelled "****e"
Dialup network is called "Me mates"
Control Panel is known as "How we fook aboot wi the settins"
The hard drive is referred to as "Big disk wi aall me stuff on it"
Other features to note:
Ok - Alreet
Cancel - Fook that
Yes - Aye
No - Nee fookin chance
Goto - Owa there
Help - Ah cannit dee it
Personal folder/My Documents - Me ****e
Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000
Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin book - a graphics package
Addin masheen - a calculator
Dole 2000 - accounting software
Porn - Internet Explorer
Following on from Bazzas belters..............................
Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar,
One was a salted.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.
Phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her
clogs.
Groan.......................exits stage left having already got his coat
Last night I dreamt I was eating a huge marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone.
/images/forum//icons/cool.gif /images/forum//icons/cool.gif
paulh
Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged
that despite his
97
years
of age, he could still have sex three
times a night.
After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm
not being too forward,
I'd
love
to
have sex with an older man. Let's go
back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have
great sex.
Afterwards, Bob says, "If you think that
was good, let me sleep
for
a
half
hour, and we can have even better sex.
But while I'm sleeping,
hold
my
testicles in your left hand and my penis
in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says,
"Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and
they have even better
sex.
Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was
wonderful. But if you let me
sleep
for
an
hour, we can have the best sex yet. But
again, hold my testicles
in
your
left hand, and my penis in your right
hand."
Cilla is now used to the routine and
complies. The results are
mind
blowing.
Once its all over , and the cigarettes
are lit, Cilla asks "Bob,
tell
me,
does my holding your testicles in my
left hand and your penis in
my
right
stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Bob replies, "No, but the last time I
slept with a Scouser, she
stole
my
wallet."
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it
might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything
much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could
talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's
STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and
start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him,
and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway,
in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just
puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means
because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We
finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going
to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just
switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to
sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have
sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I
just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he
thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got a shag though.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
1)Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar,
the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word
ﾃや彙eautifulﾃや in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
ﾃや廴y father bought my mother a beautiful dress
and she looked beautiful in it.ﾃや
ﾃや弖ery good, Suzie,ﾃや replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
ﾃや廴y mommy planned a beautiful banquet
and it turned out beautifully,ﾃや he said.
ﾃや廢xcellent, Michael!ﾃや
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
ﾃや廰ast night, at the dinner table,
my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, ﾃや錬eautiful, ....just f**king beautiful!ﾃや凖や
2)Little Johnny goes to school,
and the teacher says, ﾃや狼oday we are
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?ﾃや
Little Johnny waves his hand,
ﾃや弄e, Miss Rogers, me, me!ﾃや
Miss Rogers:ﾃや僊ll right, little Johnny,
what is your multi-syllable word?ﾃや
Little Johnny says, ﾃや弄as-tur-bate.ﾃや
Miss Rogers smiles and says,
ﾃや聾ow, little Johnny, thatﾃや冱 a mouthful.ﾃや
Little Johnny says,
ﾃや朗o, Miss Rogers, youﾃや决e thinking of a blowjob
3)A teacher asks her class,
ﾃや廬f there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them,
how many will be left?ﾃや
She calls on little Johnny.
He replies,ﾃや扼one, they all fly away with the
first gun shotﾃや
The teacher replies
ﾃや弋he correct answer is 4,
but I like your thinking.ﾃや
Then Little Johnny says
ﾃや廬 have a question for YOU.
There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top
and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?ﾃや
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
ﾃや弩ell I suppose the one thatﾃや冱
gobbled down the top and sucked the coneﾃや
To which Little Johnny replied,
ﾃや弋he correct answer is the one with the
wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking.ﾃや
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His
camel
dies
of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has
breathed
his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out
of
the
sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it
out
of
the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old
car.
He opens it and out pops a genie... But this is no ordinary genie.
He
is
wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a
dog-eared
little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil
tucked
behind one ear.
"Well, kid", says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a
car
salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is
right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
drink."
***POOF**
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no
matter
where I go beautiful woman will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to
be
a
string attached.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Bovis where the hell r u gettin all these from...keep em comming though..ps r we still on for marks tonite ?? yeh good
Still on 2nite G I will buzz you. Yea another busy day at the office lol! This aint a joke more lik some humorous stats. enjoy.
ONLY IN BRITAIN!
Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can
buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a DIET coke.
Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.
Only in Britain...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process
of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures."
Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive
and put our junk in the garage.
Only in Britain...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs
of
eight.
Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk
to in the first place.
Only in Britain...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating
rink.
* 3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
* 142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.
* 58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
* 31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
* 19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.
* Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.
* 101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.
* 18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
* A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
* 5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control
Scalectrix cars.
* 8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while
throwing up into the toilet.
* 15 people are injured each year from falling house bricks used to hold
down
the tarpaulin on their guinea pig runs.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
A midwife asked a young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour
if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replied.
"O.K., do you have a boyfriend?" asked the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth, the midwife again spoke to the young woman. "You have
a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must let you know before you see her
that the baby is black."
"Well," replied the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man
was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," said the midwife, "that's really none of my
business, and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions,
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replied."You see, I desperately needed the
money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the
movie.......What else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry," the midwife repeated. "That's really none of my
business either and I hate to pry further, but your baby has slanted
eyes."
"Well, yes," continued the girl. "I was incredibly hard up and there
was
a little Chinese man also in the movie. I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologised, collected the baby, and
presented
her to the girl, who immediately proceeded to give the baby a slap on
the bum. The baby started crying and the mother exclaimed "Well, thank
God for that!"
"What do you mean?" said the midwife, shocked.
"Well," said the girl, extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
it was going to bark.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance.
I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of
position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted
into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how
good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear
then whispered, 'Baaa' and rejoined the flock.
This book is only for sale, at the moment, in New Zealand, Wales,
and certain parts of Lancashire
Smarts Cowboy Carper
Career Opportunity
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks,interviews, and testing were done
there
were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door
and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions
to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing,
and
banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from
her brow, and said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him
to
death with the chair."
Smarts Cowboy Carper
A couple of Oklahoma hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes were rolled back in his head.
The other guy whipped out his cell phone and called 911. He gasped to the dispatcher, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The dispatcher, in a calm, soothing voice, said, "Just take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead .................................................. .................................................. ................There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice came back on the line: "Okay, now what?"
Smarts Cowboy Carper
The IMPORTANT FACTS of LIFE. A bit dirty I will admit but very true and humorous aswell. Any of these worthy of your finest sweatshirts bossman??? go on u know it makes sense.
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump.
It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the
worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece
that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic
high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it
was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in
the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of
too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is
a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious
malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked
flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with
you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie
starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass
look like "a Japanese Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are
the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You
then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle
yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always
use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock.
Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half
way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through
it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime
peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that
break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next
cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his
umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work
mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever
techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit.
Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try
the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.
You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle.
You twist and pump but the little thing just hangs there,
suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water
below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the
whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.
The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet
paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash
clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming
on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep
down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?
Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear
and smile at the next person who comes in.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
AAADD
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack....
BUT FIRST.... I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook?
Oops! there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help...
BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.
Smarts Cowboy Carper
"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"
"Ask your mother," he replied.
"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket."
"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of itﾃやｦ"
Smarts Cowboy Carper
A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?" The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants. Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."
Smarts Cowboy Carper
Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!" Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says. "Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink." So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?"
Smarts Cowboy Carper
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
Smarts Cowboy Carper
The Bovis and Smarts Stand up show!
Keep em coming fellas!
Pirate Patch
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
Smarts Cowboy Carper
Sorry for the absence some incosiderate colleage of mine made me do the post. Ba****d
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they
walk in,
they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the
elevator.
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very
matter of factly, "It looks like cum". The redhead stoops down a little
closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and
it smells like cum".
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger
into the
puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims,
"Well, it's nobody from our building.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Two nude statues (one male & one female) had been standing in the middle of
a beautiful park for 99 years.
On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to
talk to the statues. He said to them, "God has been watching you for the
past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you.
So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming
human for a short time."
The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen
minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which
they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.
The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they
became human they ran off together behind the bushes.
The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and
laughter.
After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and
laughing.
The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes.
The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said: "Okay, it's my
turn, you hold down the pigeon and I'll s*it on his head!"
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by scorpio on 20/09/01 11:25 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero grabs a bottle
of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her boobs.
'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!' They resume their passionate interlude
and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her underwear,
grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the
river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,
'PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? 'Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says,
'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked
it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
a young, blonde essex girl is on her way home after a night out at the pink flamingo. in her quest to get to the chip shop she inadvertantly steps out in front of a speeding car. there is claret everywhere. an ambulance turns up and the paramedic asks her, "are you conscious, love?". "yeah..." she replied. "are you in any pain?". "yeah..." she replied. "can you tell me where you're bleeding from?". "romford, mate..." she replied...
a guy walks up to a right dollybird in a bar. "whats your name, sweetheart?" he asks her. "Carmen". "thats an unusual name. how did you get it?" he asked. "well," she said "my two most favourite things in the whole wide world are cars and men, so i just had to be called Carmen! by the way, whats your name?" "Beerc**t" the bloke replied...
Little Johnny was asleep one night and was woke by noises coming from his parents room, so he decided to go and take a look. Peering round the door he saw his mum on top of his father right in the throws of passion. In the morning at breakfast he asked his mum "what was you doing bouncing on daddy's tummy last night?" His mum replied " Oh....I was just trying to flatten his belly..Tommy then said "So why was Mrs Jones round yesterday trying to blow it up" !!
A window cleaner goes to a monastary. He finds the head monk and asks him if he would like any windows cleaned. The Monk replies "yes you can clean them all except for those three windows over there" which he points to. Well chuffed the window cleaner gets started on the windows. Anyway the window cleaner is cleaning so much that he gets carried away and cleans one of the windows the monk told him not to.
When he peers in the window he sees a group of monks all sitting around a round table with their dicks on the table with a mouse jumping over every one. He says to himself I gotta see in the next window. So he cleans it and has a peek in. In this one he sees a monk and a beautiful nun going at it like a pair of rabbits. All excited by what he is seeing he has to look in the third window so he cleans it and has a peek in. What he sees in here is a dead monk hanged by his dick.
After what he has seen he goes back to head monk for payment and to tell him about cleaning of the windows. Curious he asks what was going on in the first one to which the monk tells him that whoever's dick the mouse lands on gets to shag the nun which you saw in the second window. "OK so what happen to the monk in the third window" Asks the cleaner. "Ah he cheated" says the monk "He had a bit of cheese under his foreskin"
Baz/images/forum//icons/smile.gif
Cowboy meets Red Indian on the plain,cowbot says " I wanna talk to your horse" Indian replies "Horse dont speak"
so the cowboy approaches the horse and says " How you doin'" to which the horse replies "Fine pal"
Then the cowboy says to the Indian " I wanna speak to your dog" the Indian replies "Dog dont speak" and the cowboy goes up to the dog and says "And how you doin'?" and the dog replies "Rocking, good buddy"
Cowboy goes back to indian and says "I wanna speak to your sheep and the indian replies "Sheep lies"
Pure class Mr Bovis. Well funny mate.
I think we should comission an Rmc fez for you.
DanCleary
19-09-2001, 09:40
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two
weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
DanCleary
19-09-2001, 13:31
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"
Flatulent Friend
I know a man who has a problem not so rare,
Unfortunately it causes people to stop and stare,
you see he farts for England,
Something seems to be wrong with his pneumatic gland,
it isn't just the sound or smell,
the methane could blow us all to hell,
I am sure I can see his cheeks vibrate,
Lord his pants must be in a hell of a state,
I try to steer him away from exotic food,
Buy he can't help being ere so rude,
He isn't even a vegetarian,
Who are not remiss in sparing one,
He tries so hard to keep control,
But alas thunder reverberates down his hole,
The poor bloke will one day explode,
Or follow through with the mother load,
We will remain friends, without refrain,
You see the problem is I'm the same.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
DanCleary
19-09-2001, 13:40
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual
death notice in the paper, but added that he died of
gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a
good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of
course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it
would be better for posterity to remember him as a
great lover rather than the big **** he always was."
DanCleary
19-09-2001, 13:43
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing ?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Sheila," he says, "Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
He drives off.
DanCleary
19-09-2001, 13:49
Two men are working on a Building site in Dublin.
Paddy & Mick. Anyway Paddy
turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a leak, but
there's no where to go"
Walk out to the end of that plank" reply's Mick "I'll
stand on this end & balance you"
Are You sure Mick ?"
Yes, no worries"
100 % ?"
Yes !"
So out goes Paddy to take a leak & the lunch siren
sounds, Mick forgets what he's
supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Paddy is
a goner.
Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a
bloke from Dublin are sitting in a
Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase
women the hardest...
Wazza the Aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a
**** up session down the
Pub with me mates trying to crack on to Sheila's!"
The Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze
women with much zest &
give them gifts of love like French champagne to win
their affection, it is us vor sure"
Meanwhile the Irishman sits laughing & says "No, You
blokes are both wrong, the
other day I was walking past a Building site in Dublin
following these 2 gorgeous
looking Birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the
sky with his dick in his hand
screaming... "C**********************T"
<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by IanWelch on 20/09/01 08:49 AM (server time).</FONT></P>
DanCleary
19-09-2001, 13:54
A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised
her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the
people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a
drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end
of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk.
Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina a
drink!" Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the
drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and
pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, Boudreaux slapped
his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat Ballerina anudder drink!"
Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and asked, "Boudreaux mah frien',
I know it's your bidness of course if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but
how come y'all keep callin' her a Ballerina?"
Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux.... to me, any woman who can lift her
leg dat high... has got to be a Ballerina
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat
at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies, "Yes."
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her, "Why the hell do you have a ski jacket over a fur coat?"
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they
said..................
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS........................
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
An Indian is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread,
butter & jam when a Pakistani man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Indian ignores the Pakistani who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation:
Pakistan : "You Indian folks eat the whole bread??"
Indian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Pakistani : (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.
In Pakistan , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a
container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
India ."
The Pakistani has a smirk on his face. The Indian listens in silence.
The Pakistani persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Indian : "Of Course."
Pakistani : (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We
don't. In Pakistan we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell the jam to India ."
The Indian then asks: "Do you have sex in Pakistan ?"
Pakistani : "Why of course we do", the Pakistani says with a big smirk.
Indian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Pakistani : "We throw them away, of course."
Indian : "We don't. In India , we put them in a container, recycle
them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Pakistan.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
A contractor parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office ready
to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a lorry came along too
close to the kerb and completely tore off the driver's door. The
contractor immediately grabbed his mobile and called the police.
It wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the
policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the contractor started
screaming hysterically.
His car, which he had just picked up that day, was now completely ruined.
It would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tried to make
it new again.
After the contractor finally wound down from his rant, the policeman shook
his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you contractors are," he said. "You
are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the contractor arrogantly.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The contractor looked down in absolute horror,
"F*?k#ng Hell!" he screamed, "Where's my Rolex?"
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Terrible Stomach Problem
One day a Man has a terrible stomach complaint and
goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but
that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep
into his
rectum every 6 hours. "Right" says the doctor, "bend
over and I will do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor
sticks the suppository deep into
his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends
him home. At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can not stick the
supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert
the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the
man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her
husbands shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard
into his arse. To
her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
"My God" she cries. "What is the matter? Did I hurt
you?"
"No" replies the man. "But I have just realized that
when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Moms Sponge
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his
mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What is that Mommy?"
A little embarassed, she tells him that it is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied
with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.
Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she
has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge
mommy?" Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it but
will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and
promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and
goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he
has found his mothers sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and shes washing Daddys face with it!"
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Seen in a shop window near Rutland Water..."Why is your sex life like playing Bridge - because if you haven't got a good partner you'd better have a good hand..."
Name That Tool
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8
inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at
the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes
quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn
out again and again many times in succession,
often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily
movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the
rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the
outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased
emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest,
ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax
twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the
characteristics of ones toothbrush!
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Talking Dogs
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring
rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she
approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you are
lovely, are you not," she says to the first dog. "What is your name then?"
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name is Huey, and I have
had a great day going in and out of puddles." Delighted with this discovery,
she moves on to the next dog. "And what is your name then?"
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My
name is Lewy, and I have had a great day going in and out of puddles." And
so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name is
Dewy, and you have had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name is Puddles, and I
have had a f*****g awful day."
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by IanWelch on 20/09/01 08:53 AM (server time).</FONT></P>
lettuce and Tomatoes!!
There was this guy and this girl sitting on a couch they
were going to have Sex that night. but the guy had to babysit his little
brother. the girl said how are we going to have sex if we have your little
brother
here? the guy said we'll just put him to bed. so they did, they put him on
the bottom bunk and they went on the top. the girl said if i want it harder
i'll say Lettuce if i want it softer i'll say Tomatoes ! "Lettuce" "Tomatoe"
she said after about 10 minutes the little brother stood up on the bed and
said would you guys stop making sandwhich's your getting Mayonaise all over
me!!!
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
cornishbob1
20-09-2001, 11:02
Little Tommy see's his mother getting out of the bath and asks,mum whats that between your legs ? mother replies thats my* Hedgehog* , little tommy looks a bit sad and his mother asks him whats the matter ? Tommy replies Granny's Hedgehog must have been run over because all its guts are hanging out.
DanCleary
20-09-2001, 13:51
Bob, obviously Carp Talk liked your post as they have created a section(yesterday) called humour.
Four nuns get killed in a car accident. A little while later they're at the pearly gates and St Peter is giving them their entrance exam. Hey asks the first nun "did you ever touch a man?" "Yes" she replies. "How" he asks. She holds out her finger. He says "swish it around in the holy water and go on". He asks the second nun and she holds out her hand. He tells her the same thing, "swish it around in the holy water and go on". The fourth nun says to the third, "hey do you mind if I gargle in that before you stick your ass in it"?
Englishman, Scots man & an Irishmen all at the bar having a drink chatting about the behaviour of their daughters.
The Englishmen says " I found a packet of ciggarettes under my daughter bed and didn't know she smoked.
The scotsman replies that's notheing mate, I found half a bottle of whisky under mine and I didn't know she drank.
The Irishman then says.... that's nothing boys I found some condoms under my daughters bed and didn't know she had a dick.......
Oh well I bet a moderator edits it out /images/forum//icons/laugh.gif
Tony
What's No 1 in Afghanistan?
I beg your pardon...........i never promised you Osama Bin Laden !!!
Miller.
What's the definition of " Making love"? Something a woman does while a man's f***ing her!!!! Miller.
Johnny_Carp
21-09-2001, 16:14
whats the definition of a drawing pin???..............a smartie with an erection
First time I've had a chance to read these... had me in tears, great stuff guys.
Here's one thats doing the rounds at the moment: Have you heard that the Irish SAS have joined the military build up, they stormed Battersea dogs home and killed all the Afghans!
Master blanker
Not quite a joke but very amusing.................
Upgrading to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0
and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also
spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched
at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, Pubnite 7.0 and Long session fishing 24.7 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of
undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
* A "don't remind me again" button.
* Minimize button.
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0
version without loss of other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0
doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug.
If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as
Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
rhornegold
23-09-2001, 08:36
Dan, At this rate Ian will have enough to start the RMC Christmas Joke Book, we all need a good laugh after the events of recent weeks. As for Bovis I think he deserves sort of recognition, keep them coming mate...Bob
...the irish SAS also stormed London Zoo....they killed all the Guerillas and freed all the Ostriches....
<font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=orange>i</font color=orange><font color=purple>m</font color=purple><font color=red>0</font color=red><font color=green>n</font color=green>
DanCleary
24-09-2001, 11:50
Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked
the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic
lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"
The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag
and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a
million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he
disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.
"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that's not what you asked for."
The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked
for a 12-inch Bic?"
DanCleary
24-09-2001, 11:54
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax
he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This picture is my lottery win"
said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks
like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
coming."
DanCleary
24-09-2001, 11:57
I have to admit, i did chuckle at this one.
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".
DanCleary
24-09-2001, 12:03
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl, "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
DanCleary
24-09-2001, 12:10
A wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said! Well, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looks up at her, looks her up and down and says, "Mission accomplished."
Periodic Table of Elements
Valuable scientific data.
Two proposed new additions to the periodic table (from Chemistry class) of
elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if
mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity
with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as
young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also
tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period
of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to
smell.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Not a joke in the true sense of the meaning but funny anyway. There is a small local shop in Dunstable, you know the sort, been there forever and sells everything you don't really need. Anyway, a couple of years ago at christmas the bloke had got hold of some Calor Heaters and wanted to advertise them in his shop window with big plastic letters, what should have read
"GAS HEATERS"
went a bit wrong due to the window frame, instead it read
GASH EATERS!!
Love it!
Jack the Welshman
Jack Morgan buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several
weeks, he notices that none of his sheep are getting pregnant, and calls
his
vet
for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. Jack doesn't
have
the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance,
only asks the vet how he will know when his sheep are pregnant. The vet
tells
him that they will stop standing around, and will, instead, lay down and
wallow in the grass. Jack hangs up the phone and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them
to
the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and
loads
them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, and bangs each
sheep
twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One
more
try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them to the
woods.
Jack spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he can't even raise himself from bed to look at the
sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying down in
the
grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the
horn!"
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
In the Telegraph 1st May - TRUE STORY.
There's a town in Hertfordshire (Herts) (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit is a pub called "The ****well Inn".
The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.
Her address is:-
Miss Lucy Likes,
The ****well Inn,
Tillit Herts
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Just a few Funnies !
This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him
in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up
his ****. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead
husbandﾃや冱 eye. She bent over and said, ﾃや廬 told you it hurts you f*****g
*******.ﾃや
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by IanWelch on 24/09/01 07:40 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husbandﾃや冱 insistence that they have
sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a
passionate evening, she flipped on the lampﾃや俳nly to discover a cucumber
in his hand.
Is this what youﾃや况e been using on me for the past 10 years?!ﾃや
ﾃや廩oney! Let me explain!ﾃや
ﾃや弩hy you sneaky *******!ﾃや she screamed. ﾃや弸ou impotent SOB!!ﾃや
ﾃや彜peaking of sneaky!ﾃや he interrupted. ﾃや廴aybe youﾃや囘 care to explain our 2
kids!!!ﾃや
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
1)At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from
the class, and she discovered little Johnny with a cat up his
pants. She said, ﾃや弩hy have you got your cat at school?ﾃや
Little Johnny started crying. ﾃや廬 woke up this morning to hear
the mailman tell my mommy, ﾃや廬ﾃや冦 gonna eat your pussy today!ﾃや
2)Little Johnny comes into his parents room one night complaining of a bad
dream. When he sees his parents screwing, he says, ﾃや弸ay! Horsie Ride!ﾃや So
he hops on his dads back, and the parents, seeing this as an opportunity
to begin again, start up even harder than before. Well, Johnnyﾃや冱 mom
starts breathing heavier and heavier, she has orgasm after orgasm, three
in all, and then little Johnny says, ﾃや弩atch out daddy! This is where me
and the mailman always get bucked off!ﾃや
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
Why does Michael Barrymore have no ashtrays at his house ?
keep going......
ﾃや呂os he chucks his fags in the pool
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
A penguin was driving across the desert when he heard some strange sounds coming from his engine. "What am I going to do now?" thinks the penguin, when in the distance he spots a garage. He pulls in and explains the problem to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him to come back in half an hour by which time he will have had a chance to have a look. The penguin thinks "what am I going to do for half an hour?" "I know, I'll go for a walk. I've never been in a desert before, what with me living at the South Pole and all". After 10 minutes he starts to get very hot when lo and behold he spots an ice-cream van so he waddles over and gets the biggest ice-cream he can manage. After eating the ice-cream he then goes back to the garage whereupon the mechanic spots him waddling up and comes out to see him. "It looks like you've blown a seal" says the mechanic. "NO WAY" says the penguin. "It's only ice-cream!!"
did u know that robert de niro is gonna do a film about the harold shipman murders
its gonna be called the old dear hunter
keepin it real
E.C.H.O
Q. WHY CAN'T YOU WATCH TV IN AFGAHNASTAN?
A. BECAUSE OF THE.......
<
<
<.........'TELE-BAN'
A guy comes out of a bar and is a little drunk. He sees a nun and immediately starts laying into her. He punches her in the faceand kicks her to the ground until she is left in a pool of blood groaning. As he walks off the guy calls back..
"Not so tough now, are we Batman?"
Baz/images/forum//icons/smile.gif
A guy in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank holding a shotgun. "Open the f******g safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But were not a real bank"she replies "We don't keep money here only sperm"
"Don't argue, open the f*****g safe you bitch or i'll blow your head off" says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she has open the safe door the guy says "Take one of the bottles of sperm and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it bitch" he says
So she pops of the cap and gulps all of the contents down.
"Take another one and drink that as well" He demands
She takes out another and downs that as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off his balaclava and to the girl's amazement its her husband.
"There" he says " Its not that f*****g difficult is it!!!"
Baz/images/forum//icons/smile.gif
rhornegold
27-09-2001, 20:05
A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:.....Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now......
He looked at her and says angrily:...." Fix the light? Now ? ...Does it look like I have an Eastern Electricity logo printed on my forehead?.... I dont think so !"....
Well could you fix the fridge door?.... It won't close properley..... " Fix the fridge door ?... Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? ......I dont think so.".....
" Fine!"she says, " .....Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? ....They're about to break.".....
" Does it look like I've got B&Q written on my forehead?.... I dont think so. ....
I've had enough of this ,..... I'm going down the pub!"....
So he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. .....
When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, ....and the light is no longer flickering.....He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is fixed....
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"......
"Well" she says, "....when you left, I sat outside and cried..... Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him......He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him.....
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?, he asked......
She replied:
Hello!!!!... Do you see Mr Kipling written on my forehead?..... I dont think so.
DanCleary
28-09-2001, 10:28
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk.
One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"
He answered, "I hunt unicorns."
The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do
that?"
The other answered, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The
virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When
it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard
of them, but I've never seen one."
The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around
either!"
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a sealion?
One smells of fish and has a moustache the other is the sealion!! GROAN.
Oh dear. I think you need to get in that presentation box of yours Mark. Try this one mate.
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
bove that is terrible...
what do u call an essex girl with two brain cells...........................................pr egnant
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having
a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get
wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her strangely (she is, after all,
over 80 years old), but politely asks what brand she
preferred.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
MikeLyddon053698
01-10-2001, 13:07
Be warned, you will probably recieve one of these letters throughthe post soon.
*** A Bush - Blair Production, Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of
World War III ***
Ministry of Defence
Whitehall London SW1A 4AA
Telephone 0870 607 4455
NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
Dear Potential Recruit,
Under the Emergency Powers Act(1939) as amended by the Defence Act(1978),
you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby
for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for The Middle East where you will
join either the Third Battalion, The Queens Own Suicidal Conscripts or the
Third Foot and Mouth. Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal
of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of what they claim was due
to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands
adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat
zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way
trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of
this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon
as possible:
ﾃつｷ Combat Jacket
ﾃつｷ Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
ﾃつｷ Tin helmet
ﾃつｷ Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
ﾃつｷ Gas mask
ﾃつｷ Map of the combat zone(the Ordinance Survey 1:12800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do)
ﾃつｷ Rifle
ﾃつｷ Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
ﾃつｷ Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank
(Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0%
finance deal on all X registration Chieftains,but hurry, as offer is only
available whilst stocks last)
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure
and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and
pick up a few tips as you watch:
ﾃつｷ The Guns of Navarone
ﾃつｷ Kelly's Heroes
ﾃつｷ A Bridge too Far
ﾃつｷ The Longest Day
ﾃつｷ Apocalypse Now
ﾃつｷ The Matrix
ﾃつｷ Blazing Saddles
ﾃつｷ The Desert Song
ﾃつｷ Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may
be involved.
Yours faithfully,
G. Hoon, Ministry of Defence.
Cooperman
02-10-2001, 08:42
Three old ladies sitting on a park bench, when a flasher jumps out of the bushes, and opens his coat. 2 of the old ladies had a stroke, but the other one couldn't reach.
Cooperman.
DanCleary
02-10-2001, 15:04
De Love Boat
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the sea.
When she went down the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and
took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for" he said.
"I'm off to America in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving
closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later during a routine search the captain discovered her.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's
taking me to America and he's feeding me."
"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.
"He's shafting me" said the girl.
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Mersey ferry luv!"
Ha Ha Ha, Nice one mr C. I hope you're not trying to steal my new RMC clothing lol!
DanCleary
02-10-2001, 16:55
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: To get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went
flying and broke and made a mess.
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is,
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah."
"Billy, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Maura.
Aunt Maura was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the [censored] away from Aunty Maura when she's been drinking."
An Englishman keeps chickens in a run in his garden. One day he notices that one has escaped into his neighbours garden and has layed an egg. He manages to recover the chicken, but before he can reach the egg his newly arrived asylum seeking Albanian neighbour comes up and claims it as his; "my garden - my egg" he declares.
A heated debate ensues until the Englishman suggests a solution. "There is an old custom in this country" he says, "where we each take a turn at kicking the other in the bo****ks, and the last one standing keeps the egg". The Albanian considers for a moment and then agrees to the contest. The Englishman vaults the fence and states that as the egg was layed by his chicken it is only fair that he have first go. The Albanian agrees and accepts the widening of his legs as well. After a substantial run up the Englishman's size 10 work boot connects squarely with the rocks of the Albanian, and he duly crumples into a heap, emitting groans and gurgles for a full ten minutes. Finally managing to recover, the Albanian then claims his turn. Casually vaulting back into his own garden, the Englishman turns with a wink and says "it's ok mate, you keep the egg!"
MikeLyddon053698
02-10-2001, 22:19
A bloke comes home from work and walks straight into his lounge. As he turns on the TV he calls out to his wife,
"quick, get me a beer before it starts"
reluctantly his wife brings in a beer for him. He then proceeds to drink the beer and calls out,
"quick, get me another beer, it's going to start soon"
tutting and grumbling to herself, his wife brings in a second beer for him. This he drinks down and calls out,
"Oi wife, get me a beer quick, it's just about to start"
at this, the wife enters the room shouting,
"what do you think I am, you come home from work, sit down in front of the TV, order me to get your beers, you treat this place like a bloody hotel"
and the husband says,
"yep, it's started"
DanTheMan
03-10-2001, 11:04
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink,
and while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did!?!"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in
sight.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill,
and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now!?!", he
asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate
it!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
keep it hooded and *stingray*
troy
DanTheMan
03-10-2001, 11:23
hope this is not too rude!! hahaha
apologies for the strong language but i couldnt edit it out as its the point of the joke!!!!!
troy.
No but I could ! Sorry Troy, a bit too strong mate !
DanTheMan
03-10-2001, 11:27
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in
quite
sometime.
Afraid she might have something wrong with her she decided to employ the
medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her personal physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex
therapist.
So she went and saw him.
Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Wang took one look at her and said, "okay, take off aw your crows."
She quickly disrobed and stood naked before him.
"Now, " said Wang, "get dow on knees and craw reery, reery, fass away from
me to the other side of room."
Having done that Dr. Wang said,
"okay, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me."
Once again she obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head,
"okay, your probrem vaywe, vaywe bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease.....
worse case I ever see....
that why you not have dates."
Confused, the woman asked,
"What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Wang replied,
"It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
lol lol
keep it *stingray*
troy
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway
you're on!"
Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking
and white as ghosts.
Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something
awful."
Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The
brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So
she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got
really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to
try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she
even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it,
too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a
genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter
so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The
second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this
island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third
blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns
into a man and walks across the bridge.
There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to
get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were
three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house
the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!"
To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer
goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said
"Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she
yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" Then he kicks the sack
with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!"
A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The
flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each
passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman
she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're ticket
says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move." To
which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and
I'm getting there in first class." Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells
the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde,
beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused, they go get the
captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, "You don't
understand, I'm blonde, beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something
in your ear?" "Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly
she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight
attendants are startled. "How did you get her to move?" "I told her that first class wasn't
going to L.A."
There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead
says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go
tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The
blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn
up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you
take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine
alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes
at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the
swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing
waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on
to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up
compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The
other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold
him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've
kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree
next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt
and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was
sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How
could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat
hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the
coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up
another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he
was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two
girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god!
We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good
idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in
the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes
a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The
Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head
replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a
minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them
they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the
name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes
said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says ****-le-dood-le-doo...
A blonde says any-****-le-doo...
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What did the blondeﾃや冱 left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. Because they both drip when they're [censored]!
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow [censored] have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem
are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both [censored].
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
Code Word For Sex
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that
they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your
mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that
he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with
the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to
his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for
a change!"
Doctor and the Bee
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of
a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady
parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming,
"Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband
immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The
doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a
solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very
concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the
bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub
some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina.
When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and
the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The
husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes,
whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into
the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle
strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet.
Perhaps I should go a bit deeper" So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and
groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating
very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on
the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at
this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a
minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The doctor,
still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the
*******!!"
Escaped Convict
An escaped convict, imprisoned for murder, had spent 25 years of his life in
prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple
who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one
side of the room and tied his wife to the bed. He got on the bed right over
the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up
and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across
the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he
left in hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do
don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I
love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom... Be strong ... and...I love you
Whales
A male and female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they
noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that
harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets
both swim under the ship and blowout our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon
however, the whale realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the
shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get safely away
and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they
reach shore". At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant
to follow him. "Look" she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I
absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Dying Confession
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady
vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently
down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John,"
she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I
have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend
and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky,
don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I
poisoned you?"
Restroom
Bob goes into the pub restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms; As Bob's standing there, taking care of
business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a
leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him
out. Being a kind soul, Bob says 'OK, sure, I'll help you.'
The man asks 'Can you unzip my zipper?'
Bob says OK.
Then the man says 'Can you pull it out for me?'
Bob replies " yeah, OK". Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red
bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something
awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob 'Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.'
Bob says 'No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?'
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says 'I don't know, but I ain't
touching it.'
Gas Attack
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be
her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down
and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little
discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas
pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she
decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud,
but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to
be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had
been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice,
"Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across
her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart
rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once
again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman
had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let
rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger,
get away from her before she ****s on you!"
Sex Shop
A little old lady, well into her 80's, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the
sales clerk "Dddddooo yoouuu hhhavvvve dddddiilllldddoosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have
dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks "Ddddddooo yyyouuu hhhave aaa ppinnkk
onnne, tttteennn iiinchesssss llllong aaaandddd tttwooo iinchesssss
tttthicckkk?"
The clerk responds "Yes we do."
"Cccccann yyyouuu tttelll mmmeee hhhowww tttooo ttturnnn ttthe
fffuccckkkkingggg ttthinggg offfffffffff?!"
Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while
they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John
suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the
pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's
heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the
hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we
have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are
going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you
were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the
bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang
himself. I hung him there to dry."
Knot
A string went into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender
looked him over and said, "You're a string aren't you?" the string answered
him, "Yes, I am." the bartender shook his head. "I'm sorry we don't serve
your kind. You'll have to leave."
The string walked out and was standing on the sidewalk outside the bar
when a second string came walking up. The first string said, "Don't bother
going in there. They don't serve our kind." The second string walked into
the bar anyway.
He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender
looked him over and said, "You're a string aren't you?" the string answered
him, "Yes, I am." the bartender shook his head. "I'm sorry we don't serve
your kind. You'll have to leave."
The string walked out and stood on the sidewalk outside the bar with the
first string. A third string came walking up. The first two strings said, "Don't
bother going in there. They don't serve our kind." The third string thought
for a second. Then he twisted himself around and walked into the bar.
He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender
looked him over and said, "You're a string aren't you?" the string answered
him, "no. I'm a frayed knot."
Memory Lane
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have
gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "remember the first time I met
you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the
gas works and I gave you one from behind". "Why yes I remember it well
dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well for old times sake, lets go
there again and I'll give you one from behind.
The two old pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man
sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself,
thinking it would be quite amusing seeing two old pensioners at it. He gets
up and follows the pensioners.
Sure enough he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old
lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down
his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then leans forward
and grabs the fence for support.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever
seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old lady at a pace that
can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the
movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that
equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own
experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his
secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time! The two
old pensioners by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking
up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says "sir, in all my life I
have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's
your secret? Could you shag like that fifty years ago? The pensioner
replies " son, fifty years ago that [censored] fence wasn't electrified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Custer's Last Thoughts
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he
called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a
history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went
through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business
for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished
work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding
this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different
positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is
this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for,"
said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I
asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those
[censored] Indians!' "
Drink 'Till She's Cute
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax.
He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the
shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This
continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He
leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your
little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time
you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife
in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
Dress Of Love
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting
for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing
naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her
husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing
naked, woman? " She responds: "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her: "Well, go and iron it."
Clever Midget
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a
midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't
get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him,
climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow,"
comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move
away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow,
"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather
startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges
the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls,
and says,
"Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
Crashing Supermodels
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super
models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We
have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency
crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the
three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing
your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!" Claudia responds: I
know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones
who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my
make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of
flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi
and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring
your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy
responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers
look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am
exposing my [censored]!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose
her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you
crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly,
Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the
rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"
Big Baby
A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar,
announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby
boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're
the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How
much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20
pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips
on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him
circumcised."
The Pope And The Queen
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every
English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of
my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering and
going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never
thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I
bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now,
but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of
my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope head butts her.
Bouncing Baby Boy
A women gave birth to a baby boy last week.
Woman: Can I see my baby.
Doctor: Hmmmm, I don't think so.
Woman: Please, I want to see my baby.
Doctor: I don't really want to.
Woman: Please, I'm begging you, bring me my baby.
Doctor: Okay, but I don't want to.
2 minutes later, he walks in, holding her baby by the leg. Then proceeds to
smash the baby against all the walls. Smashing it through a glass window.
Then stamps on its head.
The woman screams: You *******, you *******, you have killed my baby.
The Doctor turns around smiles and points at her: Ha ha, April fools, it was
already dead!
Scouser
A scouser says to the prostitute "How much is it love?". She replies "25
quid" So the scouser says "Do it my way and I'll give ya 35 quid" The tart
replies "What ways that then scouse?" He replies " errrrr 50p a week"
3 Old Men
Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them
at that time of life.
The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able
to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have
to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have
a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on
and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00
am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel
movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up
before 7:00."
Push
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He
rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm
not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his
wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door
and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams
the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke
down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing---- "
Skiing
Three guys go to a ski lodge but there aren't enough rooms, so they have
to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and
says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left
wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in
the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Dead Hick
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told
Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Funeral Plans
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened
to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they
planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so
I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man
said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in
our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I
think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up
just one more time."
Get A Little Head
There was once this man who used to go this bar at the end of the street
every night. One day this guy went he saw this enormous man with all
these muscles but with this puny head. After staring at the guy for over 5
hours he decided to go ask how this happened. He went over and began to
ask. Hi man I don't mean any harm but how did you get all those muscles
but that small head. The man began his confession. Ounce long ago I was
in the marines on this top secret mission but the submarine had gotten
sunk. Luckily I washed up on this beach. As I was walking along the beach I
saw a mermaid. I spoke to her and she said Oh my! Someone has finally
found me I will grant you 3 wishes. First the man said I want to be super
strong and have all sorts of muscles POOF! Wow that was cool Second I
want to be the smartest man in the world POOF WOW! I know everything.
Third he was like well man I haven't had sew in years I want you to have hot
naked sex with me. The mermaid replied! I cant do that. So he said "HOW
ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD" POOF
Golf Injury
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his
hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put
her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How
does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Good Example
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice
young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I
want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug
use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court
Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big
circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after
drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge
said to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison... "
Gorilla Problem
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon
examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While
reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an
employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very
bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul
was approached with a
proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred
bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing
to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition.
"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the
five hundred bucks."
Great Sex Coupon
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I
don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and
besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His
buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says
she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably
be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked,
"Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She
jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door
yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
Pint Of Guinness
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed
to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their
creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints and were stuck in
the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if
nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink,
held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT
YOU *******!!!"
Adopted Turtle
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort
he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to
the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds
sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned
to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Appointments
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his
wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and
said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A
few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time
he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
Car Accident
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was
thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he
asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she
peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car
skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown
clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are
gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her
pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding
the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,
"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe
and said,
"There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"
Boat Ride
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look,
you've got a lot to
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what
did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her
in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches
and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks
later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What
are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one
of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's
screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten
Island Ferry."
Father and Son
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across
the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son,
those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The
dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six
condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college
men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then
notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for
February, one for March...."
Feel Like A Woman
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm
going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had
plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and
they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman" he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair
and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and
whispers: "Iron this."
Firm This Up
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she
kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of
your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this
up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your
brother."
Genie In The Lamp
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said
"OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th
time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can
forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it
for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to
fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the
bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No,
think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good
wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could
understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking
when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know
what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them
truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or
four?"
Ghost
A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a seminar on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any
of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their
hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three
students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one
question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One
student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes
off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his
way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said
'goats'!"
Nuns On The Run
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell a bit of religion. One of them is
known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister
Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty
eight and a half minutes?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can
we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the
this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at
the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then
Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and
he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What
did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a
man with his pants down........
Robbery In A Church
A crook thought maybe he could rob a church. The crook takes the money
but notices a priest. The crook wants to kill the only witness, so he pulls out
his gun, and fires. The crook missed and said "Damn, I missed." the priest
tells the crook "If you swear in the house of God again, you will be struck
by lightening." The crook shoots, misses, and again say "Damn, I missed."
Suddenly, the heavens open up and a bolt of lightening thunders down and
hits the priest.
Then a towery voice says "Damn, I missed."
Amish Humor
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The
daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother
replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them
up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the
daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said,
"My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my
legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He
said, "My nose is freezing
cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did,
and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she
says to her mother, "Have
you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure,
why do you ask?" The daughter
says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out."
Ford vs God
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford "Well,
you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the
automobiles, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with
anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and
introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of
Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and
waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads
it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
God's Handles
A little boy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in
the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs
in the air. When his Dad came home the little boy said, "Dad our roosters
dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from
the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's
great," said the little Boy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, the boy rushed out to
meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"
"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her
for sure!"
Horsey ride
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy,
relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and
gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me
and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Babies
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?"
"No," said his Mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his
friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
BUYING TAMPONS
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of
tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5
boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it
was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right!"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he
said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Tommy.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, [censored] beautiful!'"
Arseholes
Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and
Gomer,were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's
burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl
looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in
to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt
real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked
down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you
tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town
knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba
with them two arseholes..."
Jesus Is In The Bathroom
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood
that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our
bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Johnny how he knew this.
And Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Elephant WOMB
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat
a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to
the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all
there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't
know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's
never even heard an elephant fart!"
Talented Hamster
A mangy lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says
"No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't
have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will
you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't
risquﾃδｩ." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the
bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano,
jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the
hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen
anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or
another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into
his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog
starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him
$300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and
gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender
says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for
$300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
Lone Ranger
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire
lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex
education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her
nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My
mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher
calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He
was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all
attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with
sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to [censored] with the Lone Ranger."
Dying Confession
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady
vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently
down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John,"
she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I
have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend
and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky,
don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I
poisoned you?"
Complete Coverage
Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the
nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns
before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one man's gown & proceeds
to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he
asks "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate
the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it, allows her to complete
her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle
the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees &
proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds,
"Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated & he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, this is a difference between the NHS &
private medical insurance."
Blonde Finally Wins
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA
to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun
game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you
a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!."
Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to
this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five
dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks
the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with
four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated,
he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde
politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her
purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Chemist's Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and
demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with
both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks
from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all
the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll
of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on
the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase
with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and
broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Computer Terms
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike
their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender
association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one
student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The
teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two
groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the
other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little
longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Female to Male Translation
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!?"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a s****y Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a
devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take an aspirin and go to bed, and no need for his good time to be spoiled
by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife after sleeping soundly
for an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to
go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was. She
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
would act when she wasn't with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel
here and a little kiss there. His wife sided up to him and being a rather
seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his
time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She had let him go as far as he
wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars
and had a little quickie. In fact two.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading
when he came in.
She asked what kind of time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You
know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked,
"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance.
When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys, so we went
into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my
costume to!!!!!!!"
Harley Davidson
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he
picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that
will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him
that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the
chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the
bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily
accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his
Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him
that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must
do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for
the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a
long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he
reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a
word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under
her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one
says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on
the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is
thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first
thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket,
reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says
"Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
Hippie and the Nun
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie
looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun
surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next
stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you
how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd
love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at
midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went
dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are
god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the
nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped
out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will
answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but
asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to
the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha,
Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"
Heaven's Cars
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs
them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter.
"OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on
your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe
three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is
that used Lada over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your
wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my
wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Ford Fiesta, goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years
of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead
for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari
convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park
where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late
in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck
with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
Gorilla
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's
wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As
they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla,
the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the
pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to
the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache."
Headache
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his
family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left
ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest
headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of
headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it:
Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would
squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would
relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come
back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a
new man! I feel great! I haven't
had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way, you have a lovely home."
Heaven or Hell?
This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this
terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks
down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh, that," he says, "that's just
the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her
wings." The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position
when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood
curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is
happening to the woman now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling
holes in her head to attach the halo."
The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has
changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. "Are you sure you want to
go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized
and raped and even worse!"
"That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"
Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some
hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect
that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me
that some ******* has stolen our tent!"
Indian Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was
conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are
you so curious?"
Irish Wife
At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England
stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my
husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do
it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast
lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and
that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After
the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done
not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping
and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little
bit out of my left eye."
I Wanna Get Weighed
John took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get
weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He
guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John
again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was
really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim
responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Just like a baby
Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship
was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she
accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest
was just like a babies. He said that he loved her and that her measurements
didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.
She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.
Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple
checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride
was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed
waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession
about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took
her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.
He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his
confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the
new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was
like a baby"
"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 18 inches long!"
Language Problem
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses
come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma
justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!
Leftover Gifts
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between
Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give
away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing,"
God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if
either one of you wanted that ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do
that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh
please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the
garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be
so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who
you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went
like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if
Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be
the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if
Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to
control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so,
he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree
nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here?
Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."
Legless Frog
Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer
day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in
tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his
experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down
the results of the experiment.
Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the
frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog
jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down,
Sophie," he said.
Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's
right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The
frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.
Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again
"Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."
The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then,
he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8
inches...write it down, Sophie."
Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and
prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP
FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"
The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I
write down?"
Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all
the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."
Three Leroys
Three ladies, with boyfriends all named "Leroy" were at a bar when one of
the ladies said, "I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and
her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy. Why don't we all name our Leroys
after a soda pop? The other two ladies agree, and the first lady jumps in
and says, "OK, then, let me go first.....I name my Leroy '7-UP' !" The other
two ladies jump in and ask her, "Why 7-UP?" "Because my Leroy has 7
inches and it's always UP!" All three ladies holler and hoot and slap each
other on the back, when the second lady says, "OK, I'm next....and I name
my Leroy 'Mountain Dew' !" The other two ladies ask, "Why Mountain
Dew?" "Because my Leroy can Mount and Dew me anytime!" All three
ladies proceed to holler and hoot and slap each other each other on the
back. The third lady then stands back and starts thinking and says, "You
know, those two Leroys were good....but I'm gonna name mine Jack
Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison,
"Jack Daniels? that's not a soda pop....that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts, "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
Making Cakes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and
they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy,
what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm
they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl
sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are
doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The
next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making
cakes in the lounge last night". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you
know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"
Code
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.
" Shhhhh ! " said the bride " all the neighbours will know what we're about
to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other
in code. For example, how about asking 'have you left the washing
machine door open' instead ?
So the following night, the husband asks, " I don't suppose you left the
washing machine door open, did you? "
" No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and
she nudged her husband and said , " I think I did leave the washing
machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing? "
" No thanks " said the husband
" It was only a small load so I did it by hand ."
Moth Exterminator
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in
the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and
after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little *******s."
New Career
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a
mechanic.
So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up
for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When
time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came
back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been
an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam,
you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the
exhaust..."
Nursing home cop
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down
the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but
you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands
it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out
of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center
line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to
him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes
to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an
erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the
Breathalyzer again!"
Getting Out of A Ticket
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle
jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind
him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit
him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it
and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your
driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Paradise
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.
They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the
partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to
her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30
days later.
At the sﾃδｩance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear
me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear
you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's
great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the
grass is so green
and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked
Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and
there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two
and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again
until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a
bull in Montana."
Penis Problem
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact,
it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but
recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a
particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask
the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches
shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond
and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry
me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is
great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he
thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog,
will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you?
No, No, NO!"
Polish Indian
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed
she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet You."
The Rescue
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When
they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one
final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station
attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't
fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback....."
Say Your Prayers
One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless
Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this
was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or so later, the father again overheard his son's prayers,
"God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the
Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation. Two
weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy.
Goodbye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without
saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office
all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled
into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad
day."
"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the
porch this morning!"
Scared Straight...For Math
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they
could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and
enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his
face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room
and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and
little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to
dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his
room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as
before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home
his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and
hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her
surprise, little Tommy got an A in maths. She can no longer hold her
curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms? What was it?
Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I
saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.
Sex Talk
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your
wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?"
asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect
of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a
move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."
Sex Therapy
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just
talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the
doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing
her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and
rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out
and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real
breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral
sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want
the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five
minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The
doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked."
Shooting The Bull
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally,
they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose
costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to
hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot
the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their
costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was
answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out
and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says,
"Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Smart-Ass Cop
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the
driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him
in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have
your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on
the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper
smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, ''I
wish that jerk would've tried that [censored] with me."
Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened
by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk
from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who
had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and
have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some
of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on
to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple
more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I
thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your
friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said, "I am dying from
cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after
I'm gone."
Smoking
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was
always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really
ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after
sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your
excuse?"
Stern Sibling
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out that there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother
and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern
high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child
did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his
first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the
first place!"
Storks
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby
stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't
worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies
and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in
the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father
will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new
mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from
the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him
where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the [censored] out of college
students!"
Suicidal Grandma
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just
kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over
with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden
to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart
would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
Tattooed Penis
There was this man and when ever he got his pay check his wife would go
and spend it. So one day he went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a
100 dollar bill tattooed on his penis. So he went home and when his wife
walked in the door he pulled down his pants and said," I want to see you
blow this money"!
Ten Years Bad Luck
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the
casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the
same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again
carrying the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"
Translating Hebrew
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a
cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this
order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of
David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and
had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world
came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months
of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and
said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family
oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were
intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart
enough to have animals help them till the soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even
had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if
a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to
the sea for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The
Ass On That Woman!"
Triplets
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked
robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in
because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one
daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I
was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week
later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking
pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and
explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the
room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were
taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
Unfaithful Wife
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a
business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a
bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon.
He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon
into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop
into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under
the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....
Unheavenly Blessed
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers
room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of
pornographic magazines"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting
away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh [censored]."
Beware of voices
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly
to himself, "I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice
booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you
and bash the head of the chief." So the explorer picks up the stone and
proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while
standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native
warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're screwed!"
Two dwarfs decide to go out on the [censored] one night then pick up a couple of
prostitutes and take them to a hotel to shag them silly. The first part of the
plan goes ok as they have a bloody good drink and pick up two very high
class and very attractive women of the night. They get them back to a hotel
where the two dwarfs each take a room ( they might have been horny but
they weren't into group sex). unfortunately due to the amount of alcohol
consumed and a fair amount of nerves one of the dwarfs just could not rise
to the occasion. to make matters worse all he could hear from the next
room was his mate shouting at the top of voice. . . . . "one-two-three-
urgggh........one-two-three-urggggggh......one-two-three
uuuuurrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa.
The next morning the dwarf and his mate are at breakfast and although he
doesn't want to discuss it he feels compelled to tell the truth when his mate
asked him how it went last night. So he tell him all about his complete
failure in the bedroom and how it was the most embarrassing moment of
his life.
His mate puts down his knife and fork. looks him straight in the eye and
says " jeez you think you were embarrassed, I couldn't even get on the
bed"
Elevator Smell
A woman was alone in an elevator when she suddenly farted. She quickly
reached into her bag and sprayed the air with deodorizer. Two floors later,
a bloke got in the elevator and began to sniff around. "Do you smell
something"? asked the lady bashfully. "Yeah I do" replied the bloke. "What
does it smell like"? the lady asked reddening. "I'm not sure but it sorta
smells like someone crapped in a pine tree."
24 hours
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him
he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for
sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18
hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife
agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his
watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife
shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die. "She
says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this
session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried
about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more
hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do
you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the
morning. You don't!"
Married Priest And Nun
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon
a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one
bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll
sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the
nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the
blanket, and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off
to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He
unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the
sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he
remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the
wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend
we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own [censored] blanket!"
Three Times a Lady
A middle-aged man and woman met, fell in love and got married. On their
wedding night they settled into the bridal suite and the wife said to her new
husband, "Please promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
"But how can that be?" the startled husband said. "You've been married
three times before."
"Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever
wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist,
and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a
stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.... God, I miss him!"
Hungry ****
A guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken under
his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is
going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes
around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He
buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, the chicken starts to get hot
and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its
head out and get some air and watch the movie.
Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this
man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh,
don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!"
A man, an ostrich, and a cat
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The
bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the
cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says,
"OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays
him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says,
"What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the
cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them
their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays
him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender
walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon",
and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender
says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings
out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that
every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change
in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3
wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket
for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million
dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your
other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long
legs and a tight pussy."
Hell's Tortures
A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first
punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped.
The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy
immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the
wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the
chance and selects that room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says
"Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved".
The Cause Of Arthritis
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
The Cost Of Woman
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded
me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all
of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman'
for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful
creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure
out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring
that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her
beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly
care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
Bats
A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all
the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he
got it. He told them to [censored] off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until he finally gave in.
"Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES" all the other bats Screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "because I ****in didn't!"
In The Desert
A priest and a nun are riding a camel through the desert. It's so hot the
camel collapses and dies of heat and exhaustion. The priest knows they
will die soon also, so he asks the nun if there's anything she would like to
do that she has never been done before in her life.
She says, "I have never seen a man naked before."
The priest says, "My heavens sister, I can't believe you would say a
something like that, but since it's your dying request I'll fulfill it."
He takes off his clothes and the sister is surprised and points between his
legs and says, "What is that?"
The priest says, "This is my staff of life. I can put it in your hole and create
life!"
So the sister says, " Well stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of
here!"
Grandpa
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here
with nothing on below the waist?" he asked.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."
Swearing
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You know what?ﾃや says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start
swearing.ﾃや The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Oh, [censored] mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?ﾃや
" I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ****in' ass it won't be
Coco Pops."
Murphys Nails
Murphy owned a nails manufacturing factory. He decided to give things a
boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an ad for TV. Three
weeks later the agency rang saying his new ad would get its first showing
on the following Wednesday night during "NYPD Blue". Murphy invited all
his friends and relations round to his house to see the ad. The ad came on
and the camera zoomed in on a grassy field and there was lovely
background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side
of a hill. At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of a cross. It slowly
moved up the cross... to reveal Jesus on the cross. It moved out to his
hands to show the nails driven through the hands. A voice then said,
"Always use Murphy's nails". Murphy and his friends were appalled. Next
day all newspapers and media chat shows were discussing the tasteless
and irreverent ad for Murphy's nails. Murphy became the most hated man in
the country and business slumped. Murphy rang the advertising agency in
despair and asked them to change the ad. Three weeks later they rang
saying there would be a new ad the following night. Murphy got all his
friends in again. The ad came on as before, the camera focused on the
grass, same background music. "[censored], I'm ****ed,ﾃや says Murphy. The
camera went up the hill and came to a cross, moving up this time there was
no one on the cross. The camera looked off into the distance.... and there
was Jesus legging it across the fields. A voice rang out, "They should have
used Murphy's nails!"
Doctors Advice
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you
indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the
doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself
in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they
passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights,
could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where
he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the
bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously
they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a
cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at
the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both
dead."
Round of Golf
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the
7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing
happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said,
"I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th
hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales,
also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I
knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Making a Cake
A boy and his dad go to the beach and there is a couple making out, so the
boy asks his father what they are doing. His dad replies, "They're making a
cake." The boy says, "Oh." The next day they go to the zoo and there are
two monkeys getting it on and a the boy asks his dad, "What are they
doing?" His dad replies, "They're baking a cake." So they go home and the
next day, the boy says to his dad, I know what you and mom were doing
last night, you were baking a cake." The father asks the boy, "How do you
know?" The boy replies with a big grin, "Because I licked the frosting off
the sheets this morning."
When I Get Out...
A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is
pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will
do when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He
automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.
He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He
could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.
He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts.
He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm [censored] nuts,
I'm never getting out of here!"
I've Got A Rash
This fella goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a rash round my
****, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he
tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come
back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says
"Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put
another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"
Crying Horse
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that
horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in
his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for
the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you
can make that horse over there cry I will give you free drinks for the rest of
the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying,
and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the
man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he
does and to make him cry I showed him".
Mixed Drink
A girl goes into a bar.
She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more
in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the
bar ****s her.
The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a
triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more
in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the
bar ****s her again.
The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple
Tequila."
He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."
She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore."
Duck
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any
duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never
had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail
your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"
Manhole
One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover
screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen! Seventeen!"
Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and
asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have
to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as loud as
humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops
and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.
The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell
louder."
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than
normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush.
Seventeen! Seventeen!"
The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first
man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover
out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.
The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and
screaming, "Eighteen! Eighteen!"
Wrong Digit
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices
her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in
agony with both hands in his crotch.
She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical
therapist and can help ease his pain.
No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with
his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of
his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts
like hell."
Love
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife
had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful
or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
Ownership
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm
and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He
realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak
English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and
the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple
of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really
flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could
he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Honeymoon
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would
fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide,
friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent
fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish."
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm
not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
Duck
A duck walks into a pharmacy. He says, "I'd like a chapstick."
The pharmacist hands him the chapstick and asks, "will that be cash or
charge?" The duck replies, "just put it on my bill."
The Fast Surgeon
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off.
Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and
John to a surgeon.
"You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs.
Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I
expected. Jon is down at the pub."
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John
accidentally cut off his leg.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same
surgeon.
"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back
in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's
playing football."
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking
50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John
accidentally cut off his own head.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the
surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.
"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll
see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."
Sam returned in 12 hours.
"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic
bag, you idiot!!"
Golf Ball
Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend -
"Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
"Use this one - You can't lose it!"
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the
water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up
in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible!
Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
Construction Accident
A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He
approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the
facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and
back heﾃや囘 lose a half hour of time.
The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on
one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the
man that they were 30 floors up and that his [censored] would turn into vapor
before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.
Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get
it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!
At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked
if he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do
with sex."
The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"
The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his **** in his hand
screaming, ﾃや聾here did that ****sucker go!ﾃや"
Blonde And The Alligator
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll
open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove
my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates
in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and
the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
Blonde woman timidly
spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with
the beer bottle."
Painter
A blond was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the
nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy
woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and said "Yeah, I
have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said the blond.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the
house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she
told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," the blond replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two
coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," she said,
"That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Interpreter
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped
for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing.
Shampoo
A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great
build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case
of dandruff.
The man gets off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone
should give him Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Breast Stroke
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel
Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no
sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave
concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally
arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced
the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down,
she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I
think those other girls used their arms."
Breathalyzer Test
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He
went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first
thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver
was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers
license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that
she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few
minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?"
asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After
some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The
officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and
registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is
this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and
drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration
and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another
breathalyzer......"
Jigsaw Puzzle
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit
together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks
for coming over."
Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the
kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's
sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."
Breast Feeding
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes
must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When
he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite
you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
Dildo
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss
comes out and tells him that he has to leave for awhile, and "can you
handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's
positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a
little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She
pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How
much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had
a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was
gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one
white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Passenger
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells
her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The
blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main
flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The
blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He
leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up
immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted,
"What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane
doesn't go to California."
Doctor
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body
with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My arm hurts, my leg
hurts, my back hurts, my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a
blonde?" "Yes, I was. I dye my hair." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The
doctor answers, "because your finger is broken."
Escapee
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette,
and one a blonde.
They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to
hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large
gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The
sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up
there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just
three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the
first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the
deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the
deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all.
So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."
Mail
A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbour came
out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then
slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her
house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut
again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready
to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it
and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the
man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There
certainly is!" My stupid new computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my
eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''
The blond yelled at the doctor...
''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a
wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until
the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked
what she was doing.
"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."
"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, " it
died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says: "what's the story?"
he replies: "just [censored] in the carburetor."
she says: " how often do I have to do that??"
A Blond and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh
look at the dead bird." The Blond looked skyward and said, "Where,
where?"
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four
hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned
around and went home.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blondeﾃや冱 left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath
Q. What do blondes and cow [censored] have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. How do you light up a blondes eyes?
A. Shine a torch in her ear.
Q. Why do blondes have square breasts?
A. Because they forget to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
Q. Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
Q. What do you call an eternity?
A. Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q. What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.
Q. Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A. They can't find the 11 on the phone!
Q. What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q. Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. How do you drown a Blonde?
A. Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Q. Why does it take longer to build a Blond snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
A. You have to hollow out the head.
Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Q. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A. They drowned in Spring Training.
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound and she weighed 125 lbs.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get [censored] up when they're on their back.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "****'ll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde
says, "Any-****'ll-doooo."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found out she was embezzling.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: How do blonde brain cells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her
ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!"
Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or
coming home.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest [censored]?
A. The blonde; she's 18.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out light bulbs.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is
the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: Why do men like big [censored] and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.
Q. What do cow pats and women have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the
other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A Rottweiler.
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on.
Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts.
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face saying, "Lie to me! lie to
me!"
Q: How are pubic hairs like parsley?
A: You push them aside before you eat.
Q: What is the ultimate definition of courage?
A: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows.
Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always
playing with them.
Q: If you get malaria from mosquitoes and Lyme disease from ticks, where
do you get AIDS from?
A: Asshoppers.
Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck for you.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"
Q: What's the connection between soy bean and a vibrator?
A: Both are meat substitutes.
Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: "Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one heck of a blowjob!"
Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: Because it was ****ed off.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night."
Q: What did one boob say to the other?
A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts.
Q: What is the politically correct name for "Lesbian?"
A: "Vagitarian."
Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray
gas all over the car.
Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it!
Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it.
Q: What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What is the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
Q: How can you tell when dogs are kinky?
A: They start doing it in the missionary position.
Q: What is the difference between 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the [censored] in front of you.
Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny?
A: Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
Q: What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: How is a vagina like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
A: Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until he's around 13 or14
years old.
Q: Why does a bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and fridge.
Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat
what they shoot.
Q: How can you tell the head nurse?
A: The one with dirty knees.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?
A: It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A **** that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: How do you make a lesbian climb the wall?
A: Tell her there's a crack in the ceiling.
Q: What's the definition of confusion?
A: A coach load of blind lesbians in a fish market.
Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife!
Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, she's already been told twice.
Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
A. Sloberdown My****youbitch.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how Welsh practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Coz no man would pull those faces on purpose.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than
improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. Why is the head of a Penis bigger than the rest of it?
A. To stop your hand from flying off and hitting yourself in the forehead.
Q. What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A. Her feet!
Q. What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A. A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your
bush.
Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A. Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69
Q. What's the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A. A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q. What do elephants use for tampons?
A. Sheep.
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why aren't there any Scousers on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say [censored]?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale
begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this [censored]..."
Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always
playing with them.
Q: How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
A: Mace.
Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
Q: Why did God invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.
Q: What's the connection between soy bean and a vibrator?
A: Both are meat substitutes.
Q. Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?
A: Because she was ****in' Goofy.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic!
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.
Q: Why do Italians wear mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mother.
Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance than women?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a [censored] in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never
be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.
Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.
Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who
usually end up playing with them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at ****tail parties.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spaces alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q. Why did God give man a penis?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
PeterHudd
03-10-2001, 19:04
Blimey Lofte are you are battlingfor that RMC jumper....Got some competition now Bovis...lol
Someone could get rich out of this post. Just got to write these jokes down and sell it as a book. Got about 400 pages of jokes for a book already here.
Feel sorry for the mods reading all these lol
Already done, I think the last lot came from a book!
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men give a [censored]!
Cashed
lol... nice one cash!
damn lofte! your keyborad still working, just been hammered mate aint it.. done well though.. laters
Little Tommy ran home from school as he could not wait to tell his parents some exciting news,
"Mum Mum" shouts little Tommy.
"Yes Tommy " replies his Mum.
"I just had sex with the geography teacher" says Tommy
" Thats disgusting, go tell your father and let him sort it out" says Mum.
"Dad Dad" Shouts little Tommy
"Yes tommy" replies his Dad
"I just had sex with my geography teacher" says tommy
"I'm very proud of you" replies Dad "I think you are now old enough to ride your brothers bike"
Dissapointed Tommy replies.....
"I can't! My arse hurts".
Baz/images/forum/icons/smile.gif
Johnny_Carp
14-10-2001, 12:20
What do you call a prostitute with no legs???..............Cash and Carry!!
Johnny_Carp
14-10-2001, 12:21
Whats green and smells of pork???...........
Kermit the frogs fingers!
A woman is suffering from chest pains so goes to see the doctor. On her return home her husband asks what the doctor said. "He said a had a nice fanny" says the wife. WHAT !!""*** says hubby. "I'll kill him..." - with which he rushes around to the surgery, bursts into the doc's room and shakes doc warmly by the throat. "What the hell do you think you are doing ??!!" On doc's recovering his poise and asking what's the problem, hubby repeats what the wife told him. And the doc says - "I never told your wife she had a nice fanny - I said she had acute angina".
Latest news
One of Osama Bin Laden's men has been found dead in Michael Barrymore's pool,
police think he may have been a suicide bummer.
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a spliff. The rabbit looks at her and
says, "Giraffe
my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the
forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at
him, looks
at the reefer, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing some Gian Lucca, so the rabbit
again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health. Come
running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll
feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
then
tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...
"Lion my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come
running with
us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion
looks at him,
puts down his needle, and starts to beat the fu*k out of the
little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and
ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us
all!"
The lion answers, "That little twat makes me run around the
forest like
an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating
> in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4
> have been detained.
>
> The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin
> Thieving, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration
> issues.
>
> The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the
> description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are
> confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in
> the community
Subject: POSH AND BECKS
>Becks runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to his
bedroom
> >
> > > to find Posh laid out naked across the bed huffing and
puffing.
> > > Becks asks her suspiciously
> > > "What are you doing?"
> > > She stutters a reply, "I'm.. er, er.. I'm having a Heart
attack"
> > > "Oh no" he cries in despair, "I'll call an ambulance..."
> > > He proceeds to leg it downstairs, picks up the phone and
begins
> > > dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by Brooklyn
who
> > > whispers
> > > into his ear,
> > > "Uncle Giggsy is in the Wardrobe with no clothes on, Daddy"
> > > Infuriated, he runs upstairs and pulls open the wardrobe. Sure
> > > enough, everyone's favourite carpet chested Welshman is stood
there
> > > starkers.
> > > "You [censored] ..." screams Becks, "...my wife is right over
there having
> > a
> > > heart attack, and you're
> > > running around naked scaring Brooklyn
Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
> >The >paramedics soon arrive on site.>>Medic "It's o.k. I'm a paramedic
> and I'm going to ask you some questions">Girl " o.k.">Medic "What's your
> name">Girl "Sharon">Medic "O.K. Sharon, is this your car?">Girl
> "Yes">Medic "Where are you bleeding from?">Girl "Romford mate"
>
A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting
> at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
>
> He says, 'Magic Bitter'.
>
> She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks away.
> After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes
> back to the man sitting at the bar.
>
> She says, 'That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?'
> He says, 'Yes. I'll show you.'
> So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around
> the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
> She can't believe it.
>
> She says to him, 'I bet you can't do that again.'
>
> So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies
> around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window.
>
> She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter.
> So the bloke says to the bartender, 'Give her a pint of what I'm
> having.'
>
> She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30
> stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
>
> The bartender looks up at the bloke and says,
>
> 'Superman, you're such a ****** when you're ****ed.'
Subject: The Duck
> >
> > A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
> >
> > The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
> >
> > "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
> >
> > "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
> >
> > "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and
> > my sandwich please?"
> >
> > "Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don' get
> > many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
> >
> > "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
> >
> > So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
> >
> > This continues for 2 weeks.
> >
> > Then one day the circus comes to town.
> >
> > The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to
> > him;
> >
> > "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
> > brilliant in your circus - he
> > talks, drinks beer and everything!"
> >
> > "Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
> >
> > So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
> >
> > The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top
> > job.
> > Paying really good money!"
> >
> > "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
> >
> > "At the circus" says the landlord.
> >
> > "The circus?" the duck enquires.
> >
> > That's right," replies the landlord.
> >
> > "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the
> > big canvas roof with the hole
> > in the middle" asks the duck.
> >
> > "That's right!" says the landlord.
> >
> > The duck looks confused.
> >
> > "What the f**k do they want with a plasterer
Please read the whole of this message - it's not one of the many urban
myths
going round at the moment!!
This was something I felt I ought to share.
> Yesterday I was on the Underground travelling on the Northern line. A
> man of Arabic-appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had
left
> his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with
him at
> the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
>
> He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which
appeared to
> contain large bundles of banknotes. He offered me a reward, but I
refused.
> So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to
> me: "I can
> never repay your kindness, sir, but I will try to with a word of
> advice for
> you. Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses."
> I was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered.
>
> "No, sir" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the
> food was sh!t and the dessert selection extremely limited."
MikeLyddon053698
16-10-2001, 17:18
Ooooh you cheeky git, stealing my joke.
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Cos they're ugly and smell.
Why do women have periods?
Cos they deserve them.
How do you make a woman have an orgasm?
who cares.
How do you make a woman have an orgasm?
Didn't know they did.
Apologies to all the women
benzonar
19-10-2001, 14:35
Not really a joke but funny nonetheless. (long)
This a copy of a complaint letter that was actually received by NTL.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, Resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat ar*e waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - Such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled boll*ck jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone Will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testi*le-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy [censored]-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bast*rds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w*nkers though they are ﾃや shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do
likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,
Yours psychotically
(Name removed from document)
Saw this posted on another sports related site a couple of days ago. The internet is a wonderful thing. Still very funny indeed.
As some of you might know I work on one of the sunday newspapers and I happened to read a great line from one of our columnists:
'Blair says we shouldn't rule out sending in the ground force'. Blimey, we have to rebuild their houses before we sort out their gardens!
Clive
...not a joke, but it made me smile....make sure your pc has sounds & you are not sitting at work where it may cause embarasment.......click <A target="_blank" HREF=http://gotlaughs.com/funpages/bin2.cfm>here</A> for the Bin Laden song.
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