View Full Version : Caption Contest 3
jumpseat
20-04-2001, 08:58
Neil: "I'm still not sure about these new bivvy toilets.........it's a bit hands on isn't it!!!!"
Andy: "It certainly is.................by the way Neil, where's the bog roll?
Sorry I had to lower the tone instantly!!
jumpseat
Morph was quickly apprehended before he could cause any more trouble.......
[b]Smarts
Andy - "Look Neil this ann't gonna go down there with your beard all matted in the mix"
Neil - "Hey don't blame me, I told you to add another egg !"
The lethal egg cannon was brilliant for keeping the antis away.
Cheapskate angler
Andy I told you this nasal hair remover was powerful, you have just got to wipe the snot from the end before use.
The groundbait mortar proved tricky to load........
[b]Smarts
jumpseat
20-04-2001, 12:10
"I told you it was blocked up.....look at all this gooey s*** stuck in 'ere!! 'ave a toke on her now Albert!!"
"Oh yeah now she smooth!!" /images/forum/icons/wink.gif/images/forum/icons/wink.gif
Right we'll get that little pest alex now this will teach him to mess with us.
Alex "Danger Man" Hayyez
Andy to Neil " I think we should have put on some rubber gloves before trying to empty this enema colonic irrigation gun."
Neil " Uuuuuuuuurgh"
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paulh
Neil, don't panic, just act normal, theres a bloke behind me with a very big gun!!
At last we have got rid of that short arse moderator.....
Tony
Andy "STOP" my beard is caught
Tony
Dont move Neil I have nearly profiled your head for the new boilie shape....
Tony
daytimedave
20-04-2001, 21:02
i thought i told you that i was going to wear blue!
Andy: Hey Neil, I've not seen a cigarette holder for roll-ups... thats 12 packets of Golden Virginia in there!!!
Clive
Rivercarper
20-04-2001, 23:52
And when it's loaded you sneak up behind Mr Welch,insert it where the sun don't shine and then pull the trigger
Rivercarper
20-04-2001, 23:54
We were just starting a new craze Ian.Non round boilies.Danny Fairbrass was singing their praises last week in the Anglers Mail.Shame he was 9 months late with the idea.
Are you sure that's boilie mix Andy ?
Baz
We'll get those anti's good and proper with this F*****R, eh Neil?
or
Neil and Andy were nearly ready for the Ann Summers accessory party, and boy did they have a suprise for the Boss.
or
Neil: I bet I can crap further than this thing fires.
Baz
Andy " Well thats just the icing on the cake.....isn't it?"
or
Neil " Are you sure this cures impotence, or just proves we're incompetent?"
Andy " It just wont go up."
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paulh
The scene of the latest auditions from Annie get your gun
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paulh
"what are they suppost to be making?"
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looks like andy has got a bit of neils beard stuck to the back of his head.
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or is that his wig?
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Now Neil watch carefully... you squeeze the teat at the end of the condom then roll it down the shaft... now go away on your own and pratice!!
Clive
Hey these nuclear powered egg-whisks are great, you just drop the uranium isotope in here...
Clive
Whilst giving one of their slide shows, Neil and Andy came up with a new idea to combat the hecklers.
Baz
Er Andy, arn't we supposed to use KY jelly as lubrication instead of this stuff?
Baz
NEIL: Here Andy I know RMC are cutting back, but this is ridiculous, do know the latest competition winner only gets to fish Ian's garden pond, and no cooked steak?
ANDY: I know, but at least they get an omlette the size of their bivvy!!
Clive
So Neil do you think this will get rid of your haemarroid problem then?
Baz
Neil: "Oh Andy you are so good with your hands!"
nick
Andy: Oh S*#T we've ejeculated prematurely.
Neil: Don't worry it happens to me all the time.
Baz
Neil: I hate this time of year when we have to collect stool samples from all the carp.
Baz
Rivercarper
22-04-2001, 00:44
Hey Andy when we have finished we will give these to Welchy to take down the Avon it won't matter cos he never catches any barbel down there.
Do you spit or swallow?
(sorry)
Tony
PeterHudd
22-04-2001, 12:38
Post deleted by IanWelch
neil finally came up with an idea to extract the mud from his mobile phone.
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Andy - "Neil, your not suppost to be pulling the trigger while i put the paste in"
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Neil: "Brilliant hookah! But are you sure the tobacco goes in this bit Andy?"
Errrr...This is a bait gun...not a Swedish penis enlarger,officer...
(anyone who saw the demo.may of thought it was the second one)
[b]Smarts
I still say a bazooka has no place in carp fishing !
Neil was adament that a pneumatic drill would produce boilies faster.......
[b]Smarts
'After seeing this, wives, girlfriends and mums instantly banned bait making in the kitchen.'
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"Are you sure the mix goes in the nozzle end?"
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paulh
Neil: .....Shhhhh.....Andy.....don't look now but I've just noticed the eggs are still in the tray....
[b]Smarts
"Eggs?.... you never said anything about EGGS?"
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paulh
They're are not eggs you fools thay are the new boilie out.....
Good for early morning sessions.
Tony
During the interval contestants proved that with a little persuasion a fully grown cormorant COULD be inserted into a standard bait gun.
As quickly as possible,Andy shoved the curious rat into the bait gun to avoid alarming the crowd.....
[b]Smarts
"Those muppet bailiffs have come in useful after all, that bull**** they keep giving us could be the next super bait!"
Cheapskate angler<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by Neil on 25/04/01 02:54 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
"Privates Dixon and Wayte, what have I told you about looking down the barrel of a gun!"
Cheapskate angler
"Hey Neil, forget about the bait show for a minute, let me show you how I apply sealant in the bathroom"
Cheapskate angler
sod it lets hand rolle em
We tried that and it still wouldn't roll
<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by Rivercarper on 25/04/01 09:04 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
Problems arose when trying to roll the 50mm boilies........
[b]Smarts
" and the fate of Neandathal man was decided "
Andy showed Uncle Albert that the new "Just For Men" hair dye applicator really does work!
(Sorry Neil)
The june 16th firework display was about to horribly wrong....
Cheapskate angler
This kryptonite gun will put an end to superman once and for all....
Cheapskate angler
"I think we've taken the term 'crap baits' too literally......."
Cheapskate angler
"i tellya, its quicker to roll a pound of 80mm baits then it is to roll a pound of 18mm baits"
famous last words....................
"Pssst Andy when no-ones looking grab the bag of readymades, and tell em here's some we prepared earlier."
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paulh
hey, neil, do you think that we should try blue peter next?
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Problems arose when 18mm was misread as 81.........
[b]Smarts
Neil: "ere andy, don't move, someone might take a picture for the "turd" caption contest"
If you close your eyes it feels just like the real thing !
Can you guess what it is yet ?
i think we are going to need a bigger catapult.
The antis gained some more ammo when they saw two carpers making hamster sausages.
Cheapskate angler
" you connect the vibrator this end, then just pull the trigger"
No sooner had Danny Fairbrass said "I'm never going to use a round boilie again".....that Neil and Andy set about the mass-market.
[b]Smarts
"Perfect"......now,wrap it in a couple of sheets of bog roll and tuck it in Ian's bivvy...Tee Hee.....
[b]Smarts
RMC's festive Yule Log making contest was under way.....
[b]Smarts
Their bigger drugies than i thought!! LOL
Alex
eeeeeerrrr do you think we should use the rolling table instead?
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"oh s**t, my mobiles ringing"
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The new liposuction invention worked really well on Neils arse.
Baz
Now watch it you.
<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by Rivercarper on 02/05/01 05:12 AM (server time).</FONT></P>
The new "DIY Gay Fatherhood Kit" in action !
pressure; there's plenty ,i've plugged the air line into my trousers.
The_Colonel
02-05-2001, 21:23
There, that's fixed it Neil !.....try your new fishing telescope now...
how long do you think baits this size need to boil for?
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CarponlineEditor
03-05-2001, 21:39
I said Tunes Neil, Tunes. Not Tubes, blimey lol
Rivercarper
03-05-2001, 22:16
Who's silly idea was it to enter this bait rolling competion anyway
CarponlineEditor
03-05-2001, 22:21
I think it was Ians lol
Now with this turd as camaflage on the perescope,no one will know you've got a baiting submarine Neil.
Rocky
S**t, one of my contacts has just fallen out!
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You sure this is going to work Neil... blowing up a stickleback with a bicycle pump just to get in the Specimen Groups record list!!!
Clive
Andy don't go telling any one this is really a Bait Boat Bazooka, and go easy on that semtex mate.
Tony
Neil; "This stuff reminds me of a drink i had with a mate the other day"
"Hows that?" Andy replied.
"Well the other day myself, were having a few stella's like you do,and I threw up all over my top.
I said to me mate ,that I was gonna be in BIG trouble with the wife.My mate said to put £20 in my top pocket, and say some drunk done it and gave me the money as an apology.
Andy. "good idea , did it work?"
Neil "Anyhow we carried on getting bladdered, and when I finally got home , the wife went into one.
Drunk I'm not drunk I protested, some guy threw up over me and gave £20 for the cleaning bill, if you dont believe look in my top pocket.
But there's £40 in there replied my good lady wife,
Oh I know he s**t in my pants as well."
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paulh
Oh my God they killed Welchy
Tony
"Just don't give the audience any eye contact, we might get asked a question!"
Cheapskate angler
Are you sure about this HobNob mix Neil?
Yea Andy,they might be a bit hard to dunk though,once I've rolled 'em.
Rocky
so when do we add the laxitives andy?
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Now bend over Neil, I promise it won't hurt...... trust me im a Doctor !!!!
Rivercarper to Andy .... And just how many mill's are we putting in this mix !!!
rhornegold
08-05-2001, 14:38
Dont do it like that, do it like this!!!!!
Rivercarper: This cake decorating is really good fun !!!!
Andy: It certainly is, you little fruit cake !!
Miller.
Neil and Andy were soon to realise that boilie mix does'nt make a good bath sealant.
or
Neil and Andy were getting the props ready for a re-make of Bugsy Malone.
Baz/images/forum/icons/smile.gif
Neil "Generation game? WHY on earth did I agree to come on the Generation game with you? I'm an author dont you know?"
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paulh
Rivercarper
09-05-2001, 20:07
I told you it would work.It's an excellent way of getting rid of trouble makers on the site and we'll never get caught cos the fish will have eaten the evidence.
Yeah and the juniors will be brilliant for making mini boilies with to.
Neil: "Andy, this chrolonic irrigation is just loverly, wanna go?"
Andy: "See Neil, I told you my S**T don't stink!"
"Yes Igor, it will be half chicken and half grizzly"
"And here we have the new gardner auto method feeder loader, the sneaky way of getting around the no method feeder rule"
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Andy " I think the green pepper team will win this."
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paulh
Do you think if we threaten to use this on Ian, without the vasaline, he'll pick a winner?
Rocky
Ok Neil you've made your point, this new boilie canon is crap!
CB1_chig
17-05-2001, 20:48
Neil you sure this anti Richard gun really works
96, 97, 98, 99 QUICK SWAP HANDS
Tony
The game of " Hot Potato " began to drag on into extra time.....
[b]Smarts
daytimedave
18-05-2001, 18:24
right just hold it there....dont move!
`snap'
lovely ,thats one for the caption contest
..............its getting desperate i know!......lol
come on mr squelch whos the lucky winner?
CarpManic
20-05-2001, 13:23
Lovely s***t flavoured boilies
yum!
CM
Andy:- "Oh so thats why they call you hairy arse Neil"
sam
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Andy: Hey Neil look what happens when you rub the shaft really quickly, all this stuff just shoots out of the end and makes a right old mess.
Baz
Neil : I know Andy I've already tried it.
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"Sod it.....Fancy a cuppa!"
"But Andy the Bream will never get this in its mouth"
"I know just a little bit bigger!"
"stop moaning Neil and pretend like we know what were doing while I go and put a bigger pan of water on!"
The angry voters loaded the John Prescott egg cannon
Cheapskate angler
Neil: "Andy, you've got another arm growing out of your back!"
Andy: When Ian rang the optician to say the 'big man' has got something in his eye...I didn't think they'd send an eye-dropper this size!!!
Clive
Andy: Cor blimey Neil, I can't wait for them to announce the winner of this competition, we haven't been able to move for 2 months now, I need the loo!!!!!
Tony_Pierson
01-06-2001, 15:09
Andy: Its rather big Neil, Im having to use to hands here
Neil(with his eyes shut in pleasure!!): Keep going its soo damn good!!!!
Tony Pierson
....who said 1lb of Betaine hydrochloride was too much??
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CarponlineEditor
01-06-2001, 16:11
heh heh, Okay Neil it's a deal, whoever wins this blooming caption competition, you bash the top half in and i will chew his knee caps off.
you will have trouble if it's me then, /images/forum/icons/laugh.gif
Tony
benzonar
04-06-2001, 14:53
"So you are certain that this will keep the wife occupied and off my back whilst I go fishing?"
H-Man
All respect to you, but one question, from which planet do you originate from??????????? LOL
Crispy
Made In England
E.C.H.O.
'That's the trouble with long-range float fishing at night Neil... these Starlite attatchments are so big it takes both of us to snap 'em in two!!'
Clive
H-Man
I still don't get it LOL, for that you should win!
Crispy
Made In England
E.C.H.O.
H-Man
A legendary caption & explanation if ever I saw one, mate you deserve to win, if not for the actual caption, the defiantely for the explanation.
You try and explain to your staff what your laughing at after reading that.
Thanks for bringing humour to an otherwise very crap afternoon.
Crispy
Made In England
E.C.H.O.
Shall we start a slow hand clap for the winner of this competition?
Tony
Neil : " Wot u think your doin with them eggs geeza?
Theyre for me not the ****** fish!!!!"
When this competition started Neil only had a slight stubble round his chin!! lol.
Clive
Neil; What sort of eggs are those Andy?
Andy; What do you mean, eggs are eggs Neil.
Neil; No, at my supermarket, the range eggs are free!
Andy; WOT!!
Neil; Yeah, it says on the box FREE range eggs.
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paulh
"So neil, how do you like my new yateley spod missile launcher. All you do is pop 40lb of mix in there and fire it a distance of 500 yards. Ideal for the short session angler!"
<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by CYPRY on 19/06/01 05:17 PM (server time).</FONT></P>
Andy showed Neil precisely how to load the bait boat mortar.
[b]Smarts
CarponlineEditor
20-06-2001, 12:14
Awwwww Neil, No wonder we arent getting anywhere. Its taken us twenty minutes to try to fill this blooming gun and you haven't even put the other end on yet, DOH!!!!
benzonar
20-06-2001, 15:17
Things were not looking hopeful for the last minute Great Egg Race entry.
"I see you have constructed a new lightsaber...hang on that's c**p"
Cheapskate angler<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1>Edited by CarponlineEditor on 24/06/01 10:05 AM (server time).</FONT></P>
"Nice stool Neil!"
Sorry chaps, couldn't resist it.
Crispy
Made In England
E.C.H.O.
benzonar
28-06-2001, 09:02
"How much longer do you think I will have to stand here holding this, it's been three months nearly and my arse is starting to itch and I forgot my anusol"
MikeLyddon053698
28-06-2001, 17:27
Neil "I dont know who it is, but if he sends me any more turds through the post, I'll kick him out of the Specimen Hunters Group"
You 24 Carat Plonker Uncle Albert
Tony
MikeLyddon053698
29-06-2001, 12:52
Andy " I think this must be the biggest boilie gun in the world"
Neil " Nah mate, you should've seen the size of the one my twin brother Bowser made on Scrapheap Challenge".
benzonar
29-06-2001, 13:40
"So you are abolutely sure that colonic irrigation will remove the need for me to use that toilet at Yateley ever again"
"Sure it will, now wait a minute whilst I clean it out from last time"
"Have You seen these men approach with care they are armed"
Fishers green constabulary
I've been standing here so long since this competition started i've taken root!!
daytimedave
13-07-2001, 20:43
GET ON WITH IT!
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
Neil to Andy........." i bet thats the biggest thing you've held in your hand today"...........
Paulm /images/forum/icons/wink.gif
Neil to Andy......." Don't look now Andy, but someone is trying to nick our F****** eggs "
Paulm /images/forum/icons/wink.gif
"Hello children...... today Andy Pandy and Looby Loo, are making pooh sticks.
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paulh
Samlette
16-07-2001, 16:22
"And then after the eye of newt, we insert body of rat..."
benzonar
16-07-2001, 16:48
" I know I said my piles were as big as an elephants balls, it dosen't mean we need a vetinary applicator to put the Anusol on"
LiamButcher
20-07-2001, 02:17
"I've got a better idea, Let's just have an omellete"
/images/forum/icons/cool.gif#~~LiamButcher~~#/images/forum/icons/cool.gif
<font color=blue>KEEP</font color=blue><font color=blue>IT</font color=blue><font color=blue>REAL</font color=blue>
"Rumour has it that Mr. Welch is going to use a photo of us on the forum."
"We won`t half look good in our new RMC sweatshirts!"
CarponlineEditor
24-07-2001, 22:46
Nice try but actually they were Carponline T shirts lol
Wouldn`t mind a pair of them either!
Dai-wa
cornishbob1
25-07-2001, 10:09
Thats bloody good that andy,i've never seen anyone extract a sausage gun from paste before !!
Neil: After holding this thing for four months do you think we have broken any records?
Neil to Andy:- "So tell me again, how exactly do you inject the smackhead carp??"
Sketchy
Neil: Hey Andy it looks like this competition is gonna run forever, shall we ****** off down the boozer until they finish it?
Andy: Yeah OK I've lost all feeling in my legs standing still this long.
Baz/images/forum/icons/smile.gif
As you can now see.... the two moderators from the RMC forum have started to fossilise........
Tony
The game of musical status was to be a split decission.....
and a new *World Record* obtained.......3 months!!
____________________
The Truth Is Out There!
Andy:HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!! !!!!!!!!!
Neil:Has everybody left us here to rot? If this goes on for much longer I'll be able to draw my pension.
Andy: Hey Neil your getting some serious cobwebs in your beard.
Neil: No thats just dried snot cos I can't feel my hands anymore so I can wipe my nose.
Baz
Neil and Andy's record *statues* attempt was under way.......
[b]Smarts
The moderators decided to use their in depth knowledge and the equipment and ingredients at hand to prepare a fabulous cake to be consumed at leisure on their next angling trip.
Purchased this second hand from Anne Summers, this should keep that Peta bird occupied at night!!
MikeLyddon053698
16-08-2001, 17:22
I would have thought it could replace that PETA bird, it looks like its full s**t already.
Andy: Hey neil we should be able to move soon, surely a new caption contests due.
Neil: Affraid not Andy, I hear its been made into a yearly contest now.
Both: B******s
Bovis
Hooded & 100% English Priest
" Hey Neil R U sure your mrs hasn't been playing tricks on us again, only this mix feels a bit soft, and has a funny twang to it"
Is that all of her in there? Are you sure PETA won't miss her?
Tony
"Well, the wife swore blind it was for making boilies....................."
Keepin it real!
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